LIES

24.SHE SAW

Warning ⚠️: please don't read this chapter if you have any mental health problems 🙏
I don't want to trigger anything for anyone out there, you can skip this chapter,  nothing is worth more than your mental health
( sorry if I suck at giving Warning,  this is my first time doing this)

Aarohi pov:
It was the worst 4 days of her life, she never felt this exhausted,  so vulnerable and so needy, and on top of that what she is feeling is beyond her understanding
The mental health of her always been in question,  one day she feels fine, lives, and is cared for enough, next day it's like, why she even exists in this world
Currently, it worsens, what she was feeling right now, is drive her car to nothingness,  or drowning in all her thoughts alone with herself,  she likes her blood all over the floor, in the past three days, all she wanted to go somewhere,  where no one can found her, but whenever she was close enough to harm herself,  Neil comes to her, without knowing he was saving her from herself,  time to time

She made Neil's life difficult,  by just existing, he was fine before her, and she can see how much he needed space, but he is also tired,  tired of her
She wants to yell at him, to leave her, to leave her on her own, she knows she doesn't deserve his time and care, she wants to feel, she wants to feel his care and emotions, emotions he carries with his eyes, or voice  but especially his actions

All I can feel is pain, I couldn't see past the pain. It was a different reality for me. I only knew I wanted the pain to stop, the anguish to go away.
Sleeping with the thought 'What if I just went to sleep and didn’t wake up?', is that makes everyone's life around me better, then I don't want to wake up
My whole life, all I did was mistakes and made my family ashamed of me, I tried hard to be an ideal daughter, and surprised the other me, but that wasn't enough for her family
She knows her family loved her, whatever side she chooses to show, they still gonna love her, but even though they try so hard, the disappointment in their eyes is visible to her, each day living with the guilt of disappointing the only people who loved is hard, painful and the guilt is already been so unbearable
She just wants to stop, the pain, this suffocation,  the constant need for attention at the same, not too much attention
She once tried doing this, stopping all the noise and pain, ended up in the hospital, and survived, but her naive kairav bhaiya trusted her, even when she is lying about accidentally taking poison

Their family doesn't discuss that, they termed her cry for help just an accident,  how would they hear her when she stopped at the time when they reached out to her, she closed all the windows and doors of help from her own family

They all notice her, her anger, her frustration with the world even notice her rudeness, but never asked the real reason behind it, always the situational answer works fine for them
And all this is not their fault, the thing about mental illness is, it can come out of nowhere,  no past signs of trauma, or any childhood trauma,  even though she had one, but not enough to her to this brink

First, she took pills for her sleeplessness,  she always had troubled sleep, and nightmares keep her awake, later It was her medical course,  but with time she understands she had to sleep, otherwise she can hallucinate,  or worse.
So as her friend suggests, pills that don't harm her body will work, but later the doses keep increasing with time. So the side effects,  drowsiness,  tiredness, mental confusion, and disorientation
Her brothers and sister did note this, from time to time and all she can do is lie, lie, and lie, each day lie keeps adding to her lists, resulting in ADHD and anxiety,  not the anxiety you can see with your eyes, it's all inside,  bottled up in her, eating her alive
So now it's time for anti-anxiety pills to come into play, she had to take them, to hide the effect of sleeping pills, she was having for years now
It was a lethal combination on and all, but with little precautions and doses control, she trying it to be ok
It worked for most of the time, even though you can't get them legally for more than 2 or 3 weeks, she had her way, from making fake appointments to fake prescriptions she had done it all, all new lies to add to the list, she has told more lies than truth in her 22 years of life
It's not like she enjoys telling a lie, after every new lie, she felt  ashamed,  ashamed of herself