LIES

27. SLEEP

WARNING ⚠️:  if you are suffering from any sort of mental illness,  this chapter could trigger that, so please avoid reading this nothing is more important than your mental health

Aarohi's pov:
As I planned, I woke up around 3 am, that's the usual time I am getting up these days, it's like a pattern, a whole night's sleep is far from me, but as I am awake, I can feel him, behind me, his light snore, I can feel his breath on my shoulder,  he slept holding me, I want to see his face, one last time, with the thought she turned around carefully,  now not the time for him to wake up
He looks beautiful,  with moonlight from the window only light on his face, he is looking mesmerizing,  I wish I could just stay here for the rest of my life, keep looking at this face, no need to worry about tomorrow, with him life looks happening, it looks worthy of living,  but I can't give myself a false hope

Shit I am having seconds thoughts, could I live like this, pretending to be happy, until it's become permanent,  a life with him, away from all of this, I am gonna miss my family,  but right now being away from them, is something I need, I can't give them trauma for life, will I be doing that to Neil
I am giving him trauma, but he can recover from it because however, he feels about me, it will be gone with time, and he will heal, it's not like we were in some relationship,  I admit we were more than in a sexual relationship, it's more than that, he saw me in my uggs, he fed me, done my laundry,  he has done everything a boyfriend does,  but I was never my boyfriend.

Will it ever work out between us, looks like this is going to mystery for life, no one can save this mystery,  as I traced his face with the pads of my finger, the touch is so light yet I couldn't control my emotions,  they are leaking via my eyes, I have to leave this bed, my sniffing could wake him up, he needs sleep, I don't know how he is gonna take this, whatever coming next, but right now he needs to rest, with this thought I get out of his hold, so softly and carefully, was about to leave the room but, come back to him again, I softly kiss his forehead and said softly, " goodbye my chamgadar, this chipkali is incomplete without you, live your best life"
She saw him stirring in his sleep, if she stay here, she can't run from it, the force he is using to pull her in, he is sleeping,  yet he is doing what he does best, he is Taking care of her, and it's enough for her, it's enough for them, but at the same, it's not enough for her will to live.

The last 10 mins, I spend packing my bags, I can't have involved in my shit, not anymore, I silently zipped up my bag, all the stuff in it, what if I left something behind?, will it make him remember me, I can't think like that, I shouldn't leave anything,  I should change into my clothes,  his clothes shouldn't have anything on them, not  a single trace of mine, I already messaged Neha(a friend she was supposed to be staying with) that you have to tell everyone I was with her all the time, and my stuff will come to her place, she puts a post-it notes on her suitcase,  saying deliver it to Neha's place after, next post it contains Neha's address in it

Now what, I had a plan, but it feels like it's sliding, what if I left him here, run away from here, left this city, and start a new New life, but that wasn't enough,  I can't do that, my insecurities and problem will follow me everywhere,  because the problem is not with him, or my family in that matter, the problem is me, I am the faulty case, the faulty organ, it's better to remove that organ if the absence of it makes the body work more efficiently then making that faulty organ works
I should be the one who should be removed, from others' life, and mine too

Carefully, delete all the messages,  that could be incremented Neil's in any way, because as much she is gonna give him mental trauma, she can't give him physical one too

She had to make it look accident, because other than that, could create a problem for him, if it comes outs as suicide,  my family would go to lengths to find out what happened in my last moments,  not what happened to me that draws me to the last stage, and anyhow, Neil name appears,  my family will think it's his fault, and for a fact I know he has no solid ground in his home, his father never accepted him as his child and being the adopted one doesn't make you favorite one in the family either,  so involving him will bring more pain to him
And  if anyhow, this led to a murder,  then his life would be over, so better make it an accident,  I had a plan, let's execute that

I found my pouch in a kitchen cabinet in the morning,  aha smart Neil, knew I never will look for food, at least willingly, I kept it there, till now, carefully taking it out, I took out a handful of medicine from various strips,  basically, the ones who will react to each other and  breakdown my system,  I know that wouldn't be enough, I still can survive from that, I don't want to survive and have like millions of other  illness for lifetime and worst of all therapy,  I am afraid of therapy because I don't want to speak, what's on my mind, it could scare them for life, so better bottled it up and take it to the grave literary 
Before gulping it down, for a mere second, I thought about not taking them, I thought about, telling bade papa everything like I am not okay, I need help, and I can get help, things could be better, this shouldn't be the end, my Mimi will cry, she can fall sick, what if Neil could never recover from it, I should wake him up, I could say this to him, I need help Neil,  but then his tired face comes to vision, the disappointment his eyes showed when she purposely didn't eat,  how angry he was that day when I said him not to care, he doesn't need that kind of stress, my kind of mess in his life, he doesn't deserve that

Now time for the next part of the plan, as I had a handful of medicine, or we can say poison to my body, I took the sharpest knife,  which I selected earlier,  when I was cooking,  I carefully put this aside, so I can use it now.
I sat down, resting my head on the wall behind me, I carefully hitched up my skirt ( wore a skirt for this purpose), after locating my Femoral artery (its the largest artery, so the amount of bleeding,  will ensure that this is it)by using my thumb and finger, I took the knife, pointing at it with an angle,  where it couldn't look like someone else did it or just happened because of  some accident, I made the cut

Shit it is painful,  more painful than I thought, I gulped a sob, and suppressed my scream, what if Neil heard her, I put my knuckle into my mouth,  to stop myself from screaming,  I can feel the blood gushing out of me, it's warm, it's now everywhere, I can feel it, it's beneath me, I need to sleep now, to get sleep,  long sleep, from which she doesn't want to get up, ever, but what, she hears an alarm,  in her sleep, is it her alarm,  no it is a voice, saying aarohi, shit it's his voice
It's my Neil's voice, and my eyes are now wide open as they can be, he is here, or is it just a dream I am having

that's all from this chapter
I almost decided not to write one today, but lack of sleep led me to this
Another gut-wrenching chapter for me to write, though it is a small one, I have so much to offer
And if anyone,  who reads this, if you need help,  just ask for one, no one will come to your rescue unless you asked for one
And if anyone needs someone to talk with, I am here, I am here to help
Please ignore my mistakes,  hope you guys like it
Thanks for the support and all the love you guys showing to me