Thought it was Khayr✅

Chapter 40: Distant dreams

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Allahumma inni as'aluka husna khaatimaa
Allahumma yassir lee hisaaban yaseera
Allahummar zuqnee kalimaat-shahaadati indal mauti
Allahumma inni as'alukal Jannata wa'a oodhubika minan naar

Jummah Mubarak 🤍,
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Disclaimer⚠️: prepare your tissues🤧

Khayr's POV

My whole body was in pain when i woke up. Every morning since my attempted suicide, i woke up like this, sore, as if i had been a metal which was panel-beated. I don't even blame my body for reacting this way. I've turned this hard and cold tiled floor to my new sleeping place after my attempted suicide. I spent every day and night here, like this, on my prayer mat.

How much time has passed since i almost finished my life? I haven't been keeping track of time, but it should be around four days.

I trailed my vision on the long, healing scar which tainted my formerly perfect forearm. I find it so ugly and resentful. Its the reminder of the stupid mistake of a lifetime i almost committed. I felt a new wave of regret and disappointment occupying my mind. I didn't die, but merely having this scar was enough punishment for me. 'Cause whenever i see it, events of that suicidal night come violently, crashing my memory. They remind me of my lack of faith in my Lord and the destiny he had bestowed on me, and my utter disobedience and ungratefulness. My lack of perseverance and impatience too, which ultimately hindered me from seeing through this trial. Taking actions into my hands even.

If only the decision i took upon myself was lookable. Its not at all. How is choosing one's direct pathway to hell logical?

Forget about suicide as a whole... Suicide in Ramadan???

Have i lost my mind that much? Is something so trivial as Sul and his troubles enough to drive me to taking my own direct pathway to hell? I mean, If i look at those who're dying with sickness with no one to cover their treatment fees, or people starving with no money to buy themselves food.... I don't lack anything... I'm fine... At least, I'm not in a worse condition as those mentioned above... Why didn't they kill themselves because it's unbearable? They're suffering more than i ever am. Yet they didn't take up such a childish decision upon themselves. Yet me.....

I'm so, so disappointed in myself.

After so much disregard for my Lord, even though I lack nothing, i don't think i deserve to live. I should've honored the fact that it's because Allah loved me that he's testing me like this. Yet i failed. I let that other dark side of me take over.

But still, Allah made me live. Allah didn't let me carry on with my suicide. Allah loves me. Wallahi Allah loves me. If not, by now I'd probably be there in hell with grosteque looking angels, whom I'd die repeatedly by mere sight of them. They'd torture me unendingly with melting hot molten magma. They would roast my body until i become charcoal crumbs, then sculpt me again, and disintegrate me again. This would go on and on, it would be my punishment for doing what i did, a hot punishment which'll go on for eternity.

Anyone who committed suicide would surely go to hell. Allah had given us an idea of how he had created man, but he had not told us how he created life. That's just how special life is. Life is for Allah. Allah gives it and takes it whenever he pleases. So for a life which isn't yours, something you're borrowed for the journey you'd embark on, in Earth before it's taken back by the rightful owner, how can anyone dare to take thier lives deliberately?