criminalminds x reader

chapter 1

Tw talk of Ed, sh and substance use.
read with caution, if you're struggling pls reach out to someone. I love you all <3

I got a call at 8 in the morning from Hotch saying we have a case. I quickly jumped in the shower looking down at my arms and thighs filled with scars and cuts, self-inflicted. My arms are only scars but my thighs are filled with recent cuts. I was 2 years clean but then my anxiety got worse when I was 20. I'm 22 now

I know pretty young to be an FBI agent but turns out I'm pretty smart, well I've got a high IQ at least. And being Penelope's sister also gave me an opening to the bau.
I got out of the shower and put on some pants and a red shirt. The team doesn't know about my history, I made Penelope promise she would tell them. So far she didn't.

My history is pretty messy. My parents died at age 5,  and grandma moved in but died at 10 so I pretty much grew up with my brothers and sisters. After the age of 11, everything went down Hill. I felt like I didn't have control over my life, so I started sh. This I had control over, and the highs felt sooo good. I could feel such relief for About 5 seconds, even if it didn't last long. Those 5 seconds were heaven.
But I needed more control. My body started changing and I hated it. I was a pretty chubby kid and always got bullied for it. Especially when I developed boobs. I hated my body and I needed to do something, so I developed an Ed. My siblings didn't find out about it for a while bc of all my troubles in school and with friends. Getting high and drinking at the ripe age of 15.  When they finally saw what was going on. I got help, I hated going to therapy. They even send me to a recovery centre for my Ed. At 17 I was 'problem ' free, except for my daily dose of anxiety then. And well now my relapse with sh

My anxiety still controls me a lot, it's probably the reason why I cover my scars with foundation. P got pretty mad at me when she found out I hid my scars like that. Luckily she hasn't found out i started doing it again. She said I shouldn't be ashamed and that the team would understand. But my anxiety didn't agree with that.

After I covered my scars I put on some Doc Martins. Grabbed my to-go bag, and threw it in the back of my car and went on my way.

I got out of the elevator and walked up to my desk. It's right next to Emily's.  I immediately got greeted by Spencer.
"Good morning y/n, here take this "
Spencer said handing me my coffee.
I look at it and realised its an oatmeal latte with caramel drizzle ( you can choose your own kind of coffee)
" Spence it's my favourite "
I said before taking a sip from it

Mhhh so good

"That's why I got it for you"
I quickly embrace him with a hug. Spence doesn't hug a lot, but he lets me. Physical touch is kind of my love language.
"What was that for," Spencer asked
" You are just amazing" I said with a smile.

"Ooo o hey sexy mama" you hear a voice behind Spencer.
"You're looking beautiful in red sweetheart" Derek said.

He's lying, you can never be beautiful

I look down with a smile, I never knew how to accept compliments like that.
" oo and you got a little make-up going on"
I put on some concealer and some mascara this morning so that nobody would see that my anxiety got me awake another full night.
"Thanks, Derek "
I take out my phone
And see the kindest message
Send yesterday evening:

Eva 🥰💋

Good morning sweetheart I know you will probably read this in the morning so, yesterday was amazing. I'm sorry I smoked a little too much last night. But I love how you always comfort me when I'm coming out of it. Remember you are a badass woman who can kick some unsub butt. And look beautiful doing it, okay!! I love you, cya soon 😘. Hope I didn't give you too many hickeys

In fact she did, I just put foundation over them as well.
I smiled at the message. Wich was immediately noticed.

" who's the guy?" Derek asked
The team doesn't know I've been in a relationship for 2 years. Not even Penelope, I just don't know how to come out to her. I know she will love me either way, I'm just too scared.
I look up to Derek and respond
" There isn't a guy"
"Or girl then, you know we will love em either way" Derek said teasing

He knows

"There is no one! P just send me a nice message that's all" I responded frustrated which didn't go unnoticed.

Stop it! They will find out! Just act cool

The rest of the team walks in and Hotch calls us into the conference room. You go in and sit in between Emily and Tara.
Everyone wishes each other a good morning.
And then Penelope says "Well not such a good morning for these victims. 5 body's found this morning here in Quantico-"
"Wait here?!" Jj asked

" That's weird bc The 2017 crime rate in Quantico, VA is 7 which is 37.2 times smaller than the U.S. average"
( sorry if the year doesn't match) I said. " and didn't we just have a case here, that would mean the crime rate went up" I added.
The room went quiet and everyone was staring at me.

Pls take your eyes off me

"Sorry," I whispered quitely. Reid gave me a fist bump from across the table and smiled proudly.
" I knew you were smart but I didn't think you were another Reid" Tara said and gave me a back pad, when she noticed your discomfort.  The team knows about your anxiety, it is probably the only private thing they know
"Pls continue"
Penelope continues the case and explains. How all victims were drug dealers. She how's the picture.
"Wow heavy overkill" Derek said.
"This is definitely personal " Rossi added
"Maybe one of their clients did this when they refused to give them drugs. It's possible the unsub was experiencing withdrawal which cost the overkill" Emily said.
I thought of the same thing, I just didn't want to say anything after everyone stared at me earlier. So I just shook my head in agreement.

" that is very interesting actually, withdrawal can cost a person to do things they never believed they could. They would do anything to get what they seek" Spencer said.

" we will discuss this further when the local police arrives" Hotch said.

You and Spence go back to your desk
"You ok? You got really quiet?" Spence asked.
"I'm oke Spence"
"Just like always" i said in a whisper but he still heard it
" you still go to therapy right?"
Shit
"Yea ofc" I lied... haven't gone in over 4 months. Spence was the only one besides Penelope that knew I was in therapy. My anxiety got worse and that stupid shrink couldn't help me. Eva did... when I'm with her, I'm carefree. Well, the weed also helps.
Speaking of weed, one of our dealers was on our file. He was one of the victims. But i couldn't let anyone show i recognised the name.

I got into my head for a sec. Worried that they will find out about Eva through this case. It's not really a great way to introduce your girlfriend.