More than Black & White

31- I want to love you out loud

West sat across from her. His face was unreadable. She owed him an explanation and it hurt her heart that he was hurting.

"Kim. You need to talk, that's how explanations work." He said.

"How do I explain to you what has happened these last few weeks? I owe you an explanation for sure." She said.

"I know, you keep saying that." He nodded but avoided eye contact. "Now is the part where you do the thing."

They sat in his car in the parking lot of the grocery store where they first kissed.

It was raining again that night which felt fitting and made the car feel more intimate.

Kim sighed, the words were being stubborn. She couldn't get them to co-operate. Maybe it was due to her fear that once she started she would never finish and maybe because she feared he would leave once he knew the truth.

"Ok... um...OK." Her heart beat heavily, painfully in her chest.

"Kee?" He prompted loosing his patience a little.

"I went to see my dad, but I like didn't actually see him, ya know? I just went to his house, just like, went right there. To his house. His new house, with his new family. His family. His family is technically MY family, right? So I saw my family. Do you think they know about me? About us? I watched his wife... I mean I ASSUME they are married, but I wouldn't know, if they ARE married, I wasn't invited, I wasn't included. But he has this house with this family. He has like FOUR new kids, did you know that? I sure as hell didn't. I have a brother and a sister, they fight like Grey and I used to ...and twin babies! And a mom who is just so... worn, so lame, so .... pathetic! She was just a person. But the person who made my dad not want to be my dad anymore!" She let the words fall out of her mouth.

They sat in silence as he digested her words.

"I took the bus to my dad's house and I never even saw him. When I thought he might be coming home I ran. I took a stupidly long bus to stand on a side walk and then run away." She said.

"Kee," he said softly this time.

"Grey thinks I am a looser, he called me pathetic." She admitted. "All I have ever wanted to do was do the right thing and be the best I could and be out of the way."

"Kiki." He said sound sympathetic.

"So please forgive me when I say I have nothing left in me right now to fight." She deflated into her seat.

"How did you know where your dad was?" He asked sounding especially curious.

"I found the address at home in some of my mom's papers." She shrugged.

They were quiet for a while. She sat staring out the window while West digested the word vomit she had expelled all over him.

"Why does Grey hate me so much?" She asked quietly.

"He doesn't!" West gasped.

"He basically told me he does." She said in contradiction.

"He has never said anything like that to me ever. Not even when we were kids. I mean, yeah, he said you were annoying and didn't want you around all the time, but never once did he say anything about hating you, not for real any way." He told her.

"It's the reason you didn't want him to know about us though, isn't it? Because he thinks I am a pathetic looser, he hates me." She challenged turning to look at him directly for the first time.

"He is a weird one. On one hand he loves you and wants to protect you and keep you innocent and keep you the little girl he knew you as. On the other hand though he is still your big brother, you bugged him and tested him and fought with him." He said.