Hidden Love (Tronnor fanfiction)

~38~ Life changes

Troye's pov

"Actually Connor..." I said with my heart pounding out of my chest. "I'm not, I'm not fine at all." I had to say it, it was killing me. I had been trying to put this of for way too long.

I saw his concerned expression, he wants to help me, but I don't want his help anymore. It's enough. I can't handle this for much longer, it's now or never.

"Connor, I-I'm breaking up with you." I said with tears forming in my eyes.

This is what's best for us. The best for him. I've thought about this for a while. It's better for him to live without me, it's not going to be much different than it is now. I'm never there for him, because I simply can't. When he told me about going to swim with his brother, I felt pain. I wasn't happy for him, the only thing I could think of was that I should've been there with him. I should've went to the pool with him, but I couldn't. I was stuck here whilst he was facing his fears without me. I stood here without any sort of power. I wasn't there for him in those times, nor would I ever be able to. We would always be apart, no matter what.

This is the best for him. I kept thinking. He can find someone else. Someone who will always be by his side. Who can help him in bad times. Not a boy who lives at the other side of the world where you can barely talk to. That's not right. It took me way too long to realise that. I just couldn't accept it. I always thought we would be together one day. That I would move to LA, but I would never do that. I would never be able to leave my family behind. It's Connor or my family and knowing that Connor is better of without me, my choice was made.

"Wh-y?" Connor asked me with cracking voice, tears streaming over his face. It was terrible to see him like this. For a moment I doubted my choice, was this really good for him? Yes. I'm sure it is. It will be difficult for him at first, but it will get better. A lot better. How we live now, is like loving a ghost. Someone you can never touch, never really being able to be together, no matter how much you love each other. That's us, I'm the ghost in Connor's life. I'm that thing that holds him down.

"I-I just ..., Connor don't ask." Of course he wanted to know. I would want to know it too if he was the one breaking up with me.

"Just tell me." He demanded. He was trying to keep strong, but he failed. He failed so hard. His eyes were already bloodshot and puffy. His hair a mess from constantly taking his hand through it in a nervous way. It was painful to see him like this. I wanted to explain him why I did this, I really did want to, but he would never accept that. He would say that we can do this. That we can make this work. I know we can't. Maybe he can, but I can't. I can't handle this long distance.

I constantly think about him. I always want to be close, I want to hear him, I want to feel him. All those thoughts were killing me. I couldn't live normally. There didn't go a second by that I hadn't thought about him. Every day I locked myself up in my room, waiting for a sign of him. A text, a call, just anything. I tried for a while to do other things, just anything so that I didn't kept waiting for a sign from him.

It didn't work, I always found myself checking my phone and laptop. Until I started to think about the fact it would be better for both of us if I ignored his calls, he could do other stuff. Maybe he didn't feel the need to call me so often after a while. It didn't help though. He only called me more and I tried avoiding it more. That made me even more crazy.

The things I did to ignore his calls were just stupid. I watched YouTube videos, but every single time I ended up watching videos of Connor or scrolling through his tumblr. Even his tumblr showed signs of me, the love he felt towards me. He posted pictures that looked a bit like me or things like 'Damn, your eyes.'. It was killing me.