Remnant [h.s]

chapter eight

How painful it is to wait for someone who isn't coming back.

☆ ☆ ☆

Trigger warning- this chapter includes mentions of negative/suicidal thoughts.

Take your time with this one, I'm here if you need me <3

Harry Styles

The days all merged into one sticky mess of grief. A feeling that I'd never learn to fully shake. A feeling that I was learning to accustom into my every day life. A feeling that I was still trying to ignore but it grew through my body like wildfire.

It had been three days. Three whole days of missing my best friend and I don't think life had ever felt so lonely and wrong. The world was still turning, the sun still rose every morning and the kids still needed me, but it's like I was just stuck in one place, my mind like a broken record relaying the same damned questions I was begging to know the answers to.

It was terrifying being here alone and being the only person responsible for these two little lives I had to hold in my arms. I could barely cope with looking after myself, in fact, I hadn't been looking after myself, I barely ate, I didn't wash, the house was a mess, I hadn't changed my clothes. But I had to keep going, I had the kids and they were the only things keeping me going.

Without them I feared that I would've joined Jazz in the stars without a second thought. I would've been up there dancing in the clouds, our love lasting for eternity. Written in the stars, or whatever the saying was.

My thoughts scared me mostly. I was afraid of what I could do if things became too tough. I was worried of what my mind may lead me to amidst a gruelling moment of panic where my lungs burn and all I can see is black.

I had children to look after and yet I had these thoughts that cloud my mind so strongly, like a whiff of cigarette smoke that will forever cling to your clothing.

My thoughts just seemed so permanent. I couldn't shake them.

They kept me up at night, little demons dancing around my brain whilst telling me to do god awful things to myself. It was like some cruel game of ring o ring o roses.

I wanted out, but there was no door to leave. I was just trapped in my own mind with no way out and it was scaring me. It was scaring me how I had no control over my thoughts and the horrors my mind was conjuring up. It all just felt so dark, the darkest dark I could ever imagine.

It wasn't even black. It was just nothingness. It was lonely being trapped in a mind I didn't recognise. Death on the mind and sadness coating everything I touch. This was all so foreign to me.