Remnant [h.s]

chapter nineteen

Mistakes were made.

☆ ☆ ☆

Harry Styles

I was convinced I didn't have a brain. Not a functioning one that made rational decisions anyway. I wouldn't be surprised if someone took a look inside my brain and found nothing but dust.

An idiot like me can't have a brain.

I kissed Arwen. Jazz's best friend. I was the one who leant in and placed my lips upon hers, that was my choice and my actions.

Stupid, stupid brain.

I kissed Arwen whilst I knew Jazz was looking down from the clouds. Someone I loved was up in the clouds and I had gone behind her back, sneaking off with her best friend just three weeks after she had left this Earth.

I felt like a cheat. Like a phoney who wasn't worthy of love.

My mind had been a war zone since our lips touched and her taste lingered on my skin. Everything in my mind was destructing at the thoughts I so badly tried to push away.

Just moments before I had stupidly leant in, my mind and my thoughts seemed to be on the up. I had been working so hard all week to try and get the kids out of the house as much as possible, I tried my best to carry out household chores, though I admit that they sometimes got a little tough, but I was trying.

I had even contributed to the scrapbook that Arwen has started making with the kids, though that was more of Binx forcing me to take photos so we could put it in mummy's special book to take with us whenever we visit her grave.

I hadn't been yet. To her grave that is. It felt a little too much right now, and my mum had told me to take things one step at a time. There was no point rushing into everything and then have to deal with the downfall later on.

I wasn't sure if Arwen had been yet, but Binx wouldn't stop begging me to take her, so I had to make up a little lie as I told her that her grave wasn't quite ready yet, which was partly true as the ground was too soft for them to put a headstone in at the moment, so Jazz was currently just laying under a mound of mud. I didn't want to imagine her that way so I was staying away until I could manage it.

But that wasn't the only reason I was staying away.

I was more than aware of what Arwen and I had indulged in yesterday. The guilt was unsettling me and nibbling away at my core, like worms to a rotting apple. I was humiliated that I had done such a thing, I couldn't face Jazz now, I didn't have it within me to acknowledge her existence because in all honestly, I was embarrassed. I shouldn't have done it and I was well aware of that.