Remnant [h.s]

chapter thirty seven

Stay with me, please. Please, I can't lose you too.

☆ ☆ ☆

Harry Styles

I had been stuck in the studio for an ungodly amount of hours. I often seemed to just completely lose myself and shut off from the world, ignoring everything around me and getting immersed within my ideas that I flow onto paper.

Jazz would often tease me over how quickly I got lost within the music, she'd say it would only take seconds before I was in a little world of my own, creating my own paradise to reside in. Only this time I was creating a paradise. I wasn't getting lost within some perfect dream where everything was rosy and beautiful.

I had sat here sobbing at this desk for at least four hours now. Cruelly grilling my mind on all of the catastrophic emotions that I had been going through recently. I suppose it was like my very own form of therapy. I was being vulnerable, but only with myself. I was alone here, it was just me and my thoughts and no one to judge me. It was easier that way.

I could lay myself out on the table and pick apart the bits of me that I had tried to hard to keep hidden, I could challenge myself and force myself to be vulnerable and I was the only person here to witness it. I didn't have to worry about anything else, it was just me in this room.

Everything I had written down so far was so painfully raw. Every word jotted on my notepad came with so much emotion and heartache. That much was clear with the smudges of ink that had come from my tears on the paper. Every time I had thought I was calm and I could contain myself, my mind just seemed to think of something a little more heartbreaking to add into a song.

I had never once written a song for myself. All of the songs I had ever written were mainly for Niall, or smaller artists that commissioned me to write songs for them. I had never written a song for the pleasure of myself, or for my own use. But as this idea I had became more and more raw and real, I quickly learnt that this would not be a song I could ever freely hand to someone else.

This wasn't a song for someone else to sing. This was mine, this came from the bottom of my heart, not anybody else's.

Even if someone tried, I'm not sure they'd ever be able to fully grasp where I was coming from with this. Unless they had also lost a loved one and had their heart torn to shreds, I don't think anybody could ever understand. It was hard to put yourself in somebody else's shoes when you had no idea of what it's really like.

This song was just for me and Jazz. It captured our relationship and Jazz's beauty so perfectly, it all just made sense. It was heartbreakingly beautiful and I was shocked that such words had even come from my own brain, especially whilst I was in such a state of vulnerability.