Remnant [h.s]

chapter thirty three

Please don't forget me and all the things we did. Please.

☆ ☆ ☆

Harry Styles

The start of the new year came at me a little more aggressively than I thought it ever would. I knew it would be another painful milestone that I had to make it through alive, entering a new year without my love by my side wasn't something that came very easily. I couldn't just brush past it and move on, the reminder was there every time someone so wished us a happy new year.

Because to us, it wasn't very happy.

It felt like we were just leaving Jazz behind in the previous year and moving on with our lives. But we weren't. Not in the slightest.

My feet were still firmly frozen solid to the ground of that hospital room where Jazz took her last breath. I was stuck in that moment forever unable to break free from the chains. The world moved on around me, but I'd never be able to join them. Not really. The same scene would just be repeating itself over and over again in my mind. Holding my thoughts hostage.

So whilst everyone else was enjoying the fireworks on new years, celebrating with their family and friends, singing songs and drinking the night away, I was looking up at the stars, still hoping for a sign. I was looking up at the stars but my mind was replaying the same moments for me to break down over.

New Year's Day seemed to come the slightest bit easier for me. It suddenly didn't all seem so daunting in the morning. Waking up in a new year, with it being a new day with new opportunities. It just eased my mind. It was always worse at night. Everything was worse at night.

Maybe the new year would be good for me, maybe it'd help me heal. I was trying to stay optimistic for as long as I possibly could, I was trying to stay positive whilst I could until the demons took over and made my life a living hell.

I had a lot to look forward to this year. I was going to get some help and I was going to get better. That in itself was something to look forward to. I didn't believe in New Year's resolutions and making up shit promises just to break them two days later, but I was going to be a better man this year. I was going to be a better person, that was my promise for this year and I was going to do all I could to stick to it.

If I had the right support system around me, which I think I did, I think I have a fair change of making it out alive.

I think the biggest thing for me at the moment had been distraction, finding distractions and keeping myself busy was currently my only coping mechanism and I knew it was only a temporary fix to my permanent problems.

Today's distraction seemed to already have been decided for me before I had even woken up. My subconscious had taken over with that one. I had a dream that I had folding away Jazz's clothes into bags, piling what I wanted to keep into the wardrobe and donating what we no longer needed to homeless shelters and charity shops. So my mind had already made the decision of what I was going to do today, but I was desperately trying to put it off.

As much as I tried to ignore the remnant of her life scattered all over our home, I knew it was there. It was everywhere, you couldn't escape it no matter how hard you tried. Everywhere was covered in little pieces of Jazz. And whilst it was nice to see occasionally, every so often it was nice to lay eyes upon her clothes or her shoes by the door, most of the time it was just pure heartache. Most of the time it was just killing to see.