Remnant [h.s]

chapter thirty one

I messed up. I know I did. I ruined it all.

☆ ☆ ☆

Harry Styles

I had never felt like such a fool than I did right now. I had never felt like such a fucking idiot. I wanted to slam my head against a wall until there was nothing left of me.

Stupid fucking brain never fucking doing it's one job.

I despised myself and I'm sure Arwen did too. I could practically feel the burning of Binx's eyes as I set both of them down on the floor for me to take a breather.

I couldn't do this. I couldn't keep doing it. It was destroying me.

I knew I needed help, I was well aware of that, but I was to bloody prideful to do anything about it. I was too in my own head and it done me no good.

I just couldn't seem to control myself when the slightest little problem threw me off of the rails.

All Arwen had done was taken Binx to see Jazz. That was it. All she had done was attempted to give a grieving little girl some closure, and I had completely gone overboard.

I wasn't expecting it. It caught me off guard and I didn't know how to handle it.

I suppose I was cross because a little girl had done something that I was too afraid to do. A little girl, a four year old girl had been braver than me and that was saying a lot. That was bugging me in some way and I hated it.

I just wanted to be happy for her, I wanted to be so proud of her for doing such a thing. I wanted to applaud her and listen to her stories, I wanted to take her there myself.

I was supposed to be her carer. I was supposed to be the one to do these things with her, and here I was kicking Arwen out at, the minute she so mentions anything to do with Jazz.

It seemed to be a fight or flight mechanism that I just couldn't control.

It wasn't her fault yet everything in my mind was screaming at me to blame her. She was just trying to help, but her helpfulness just wasn't processing in my mind. I jumped straight to making her the villain.

"I wanted auntie Winnie here" Binx pouts, slumping onto the floor like she was full of such weight.

I had essentially broken her heard and she didn't need that. She didn't need me coming along and ruining her Christmas.

This had been something she had been excited for for weeks. Every word she spoke was about Christmas. She wrote endless lists and sung Christmas songs in my face, it's like the magic of Christmas was all she could hold onto.