Remnant [h.s]

chapter nine

we can die a thousand times in one lifetime.

☆ ☆ ☆

Carrying on from the last chapter- the next few chapters may be triggering to some. This involves negative/suicidal thoughts as well as adoption/fostering.

Harry Styles

Today was doomsday. There was no other way to put it. Today was going to be horrific.

I hadn't slept in hours, I lay awake last night with Binx cuddled into me on one side, and Sully on the other, both of them fast asleep as silent tears dribbled onto my pillow.

I had tried incessantly to lull myself to sleep but nothing was working. I was just clouded with nasty thoughts, my mind conjuring up different scenarios that break my heart in every which way.

The nights were long as all I could do was wait for time to pass and eat me alive.

It isn't until early morning when eventually I am usually able to get a little sleep, but before long Binx is shaking me awake, terrified that I had slipped away in my dreams.

If only.

But today was different. She didn't have to shake me awake this morning, because I was already up, staring longingly out the window completely lost within my thoughts.

It was raining. It seems to have only rained since Jazz went away. An analogy of exactly how I was feeling right now, everything in my body was raining, and so were the clouds. She took the sun with her when she left and now all we've been left with is a darkness that carried such weight and the stress of today was only adding weight onto the already heavy load.

Today a social worker was coming and though there was an element of fear bubbling within me, I had mostly prepared myself for the worst, in fact, it didn't seem too bad in my mind. I had convinced myself that both children were going to get swiped from my hands by lunch time and right now, it didn't seem like such an awful thing to happen.

I couldn't care for these children, I couldn't keep this up whilst my thoughts were weighing me down so dramatically. I just knew they'd be so much happier with someone else, they'd be cared for, they'd have all of their needs fulfilled and they'd be able to be children without me wishing for death to take my hand.

They didn't need me. They didn't need the mess that I was.

Maybe they just needed fresh start without darkness drowning them, at least, that's what I had convinced myself that they needed, but I wasn't entirely sure what was going on most of the time, my thoughts ran off at the speed of light and I was desperately trying to chase after them, bringing them back to the ground where things could settle.