A Decade Of Drumbeat

Author's note:

Hi, readers! It's been years since I last visited this finished story. I hope you're all doing well.

Coming back here, I remember a lot—a mix of pain, endurance, and a quiet yet strong, unending love.

I would like to give you a background on how I write my stories. I write based on my real experiences. I've written many stories since then, as it has been years after I first wrote this. That means I've experienced, you know, to have a crush with some other guys.

But I can't imagine coming back here to write a letter to the man who first caught my heart.

This story is based on a true experience, though some parts are fictional, still inspired by the reality that happened. With the transition of life in the story, it includes all the plans I once pictured with him, hehe.

Ang batang ako, at batang puso ko ay minahal siya ng sobra ng ilang taon. When I knew he's courting one of our churchmates, I decided to stop. Taon bago ko natanggap dahil masakit, hindi biro yung sakit nun lalo na't masyado pa akong bata para makaramdam ng pag-ibig.

When I can truly say I've accepted it, it's not awkward anymore. I can talk to him at church and even call him "kuya," which was hard for me to say when the love was still there.

For years, ang dami ko nang naging crush kaya nga nakagawa ako ng ilan pang storya dito.

And I didn't expect to come back here carrying pain again. I know it feels illegal because he's been with the girl for years. Sorry to say this, but the love stays.

Hindi ba talaga nawawala ito? (Honest question)

I didn't imagine that the time would come when I'd find myself in pain again because of him.

It's been days of longing whenever I see him at church. Actually, I'm not really close to him or anything—nothing ever happened, not even conversations. It's just this quiet love and longing for him that makes me suffer now.

Since I realized I never wrote a letter for him, because this story was my way of confessing my love, I decided to finally write one and drop it here.

Hoping I'll be okay one day. No more returning pain, no more longing, and no more imagining a possible future with him.

I'll share this pain with you, readers.

I couldn't believe I would experience the urge to write this letter that won't reach you. Today is April 1st at 11:31 PM. I'm remembering you after three years of knowing and believing that I have already moved on from you, and maybe I do, or maybe not? I don't understand what I feel these past days of seeing you at church. Does my love never left? I thought I was okay. I accepted you being happy with her—oh gosh, I was badly in love and at the same time suffering from loving you quietly for years, and I don't want to take seriously this weird pain I feel from seeing you... sorry for wanting you.

I couldn't help but think of my future with you in it. I can't ignore this pain, this longing, this future I pictured in my mind. Sometimes, I think of telling everyone that the love your girlfriend has for you can't compare to the love I could give you.....if the world would allow me to. What the heck, I can't be crying now, please. I want to brag that when it comes to thinking about you, I can beat her. The sacrifices I could make for you are far beyond what she can offer. In short, there's still love... and I don't know why.

For years, I'm genuinely happy.....I do, and tease you. I really feel my acceptance of it, but now that I am all alone, with no serious crushes and all, it uncovers and haunts my love for you.

How funny—this great, enduring, and lasting love that I have for you as my first love will never reach you. You will never know about this. I don't want to make an issue or anything. Maybe I'll forever keep this in me, just enduring the pain like before.

It hurts me to see you always serving, thinking that if you were with me, I would serve you back. It hurts to see you putting in all the effort for her, knowing I could do the same in return if you're just with me. You're gentle, you're funny (corny), you're attentive, mindful, a gentleman, respectful, you initiate things, you're faithfully serving God, you love the Lord, you're talented, you're hardworking, you are loving, you're sweet, you love kids like I do, you're caring and you serve.

How can you hurt me like this? The impact will last for years.....years of suffering, years of accepting and being happy for you, then back to pain and picturing a life with you.

I know you have red flags, you do 😅 and now I understand that love is blind. I can't build a life with you because I care about myself. I just truly love you, and it breaks me, tearing my heart into pieces. I love you too much, and I don't know what to do but just let the pain in my chest win without trying to fight back or take you away from my nerves.

You have many responsibilities, serving your girl even though you're working so much throughout the day. The life you have now with her matures you.....your attitude and your face too, sorry, it's true haha. You've changed a lot because of it. You act differently and maybe lost the chance to enjoy youth, or I don't know, maybe not for you. I just think that I could do better and love better, haha.

We would enjoy life together, experience youth, be funny, free, and not take life too seriously, just enjoy every moment. I won't let you serve me always, I'll let you experience being babied and cared for by me. My love for you is unbelievable; it makes me want to really serve you because of your attitude.....you deserve it. My love for you is strong, and I can't resist or fight it, accepting that I am a loser in this kind of love.

I will forever cherish my love for you, and I want you. I can imagine a life sitting on your lap, being clingy with you, serving you, giving you words of appreciation because you are hardworking.

Maybe in another life, I will have the courage to let you know that there's someone who secretly loved you for 7 years and freaking still counting now for this freaking love stays, unbelievable. And that girl.....that girl is me.

It hurts now to see you with her, and I don't want this because for years, I didn't feel this pain. Suddenly, a future with you flashed in my mind, and there.....it became my downfall.

I hope I could give you the love you deserve, for I can love you better and act better than her, with all due respect.

I love you, that's it. And this love, I can't hold it back even if it feels wrong to love someone who is in a relationship.

Thinking about your wedding breaks me because I am not ready. I know you will never be in my future, but I think the love will stay, and I don't know how to take it away.

I'll end this by saying again that I love you too much. You've done nothing to me, yet I love you. I love the way you are. I know you and have memorized all of you.

Good luck with your future! It's all impossible, yes, but I'll forever brag that I could do better and give you love, serve you better than her, make you feel better than her.

You won't suffer with my attitude, I will be full of sweetness, my clingy side, and a relationship full of love.

She can't beat this love—oh, whatever.

Keep going, my hardworking man. You deserve to hear that I'm proud of you. I'll long for you.....not forever, but I do, now. I am broken and torn for loving you, yet I still love you.

I am tired of saying those words again and again.

Take care! Good luck with life. May the Lord watch over you always.

May my words full of love reach you in another life... when it's us.

Byeeee! I hate that I love and long for you.

I'm way better than her, for goodness' sake, believe me baby.