Sweet. | J.Bellingham

4

'I don't think about you all the time, but when I do I wonder why'

Today was one of the bad day.

The ones where everything was levitating around her. Making her dizzy. Or was it just her head spinning ? Her tears were making her vision go blurry and her heartbeat was so loud she couldn't even hear it. Was her heart even still beating ? Could someone survive with a broken heart ? Wasn't it already what she was doing ? Surviving with a broken heart. With everything breakable broke actually. Nothing was functioning anymore.

Her stomach couldn't hold food for more than a few hours, her legs weren't able to hold her, her arms were trembling and weakening, her heart was silent and her brain was orchestring all of it.

Did you ever sit on the floor and cry and cry while begging the Lord to explain it to you. Explain why ? Why you, why now, why so painful ?

Laura used to beg, but no one ever answered, so Laura kept it inside.

Two options were sitting in front of her. She could either call him, or rot in her thoughts.

The choice was already made.

If only she could hear you scream through you screen, telling her to text him, to ask for any kind of help. If only she knew she was the main character. She would laugh at this, the kind of painful laugh, because deep down she knew nobody would care enough to read a book about her. Who would ?

She already thought about telling it to someone but she was too scared. If she showed her feelings they would take her for an attention seeker, that's what mom used to say. So Laura kept everything inside and swallowed the pain. Because she knew she was strong enough to hold it, wasn't she.

Was she ?

It was in those moments that she missed her mom the most. Her hugs and her tears wiped away by her cold fingers. She remembered her mom's strict traits and her rigid voice. She remembered the pain that would be left after hearing her words and the hot tears on her sad little girl's face

"Ta-daaaa" the little girl exclaimed while pushing the drapes of the fitting room. Her eyes met her mom and found this look she hated so much.

The look she would give her every time her daughter would ask for more food or when she looked at other girl playing in the park and suddenly look at hers.

Disappointment.

"God, why can't you be like everyone else." The mother sighed. It wasn't a question, how could a seven year old answer to that. So she didn't, she frowned and asked "What do you mean ?"

"I mean you won't eat tonight."

"What- but why did I do to get punished ?" Little Laura shouted. To which her mom answered trying to calm her daughter out. "It's not a punishment, it's an exercise."

"But I'm hungry." Tears started to show in her eyes and the little girl bite her lip, trying as much as she could to keep them in. "Oh, darling." Her mom knelt on the floor, putting her two cold hand on her daughter's cheek and wiping the tears away. "You know I'm doing that because I love you, right ?" The girl nodded "That's what you do when you love someone. Do you love yourself ?" Another nod and another tear wiped "Then say it."

"I'm doing it cause I love myself."

Laura had no contact with her mom. When she moved to Germany her mom told her words she could never forget. Words that scratched her heart until it bled out and left it here to decay.

"Oh please don't tell me you're gonna go live in another country for a boy." Her mom rolled her eyes and sighed sitting on the apartment's couch.

"He's not any boy mom you know it." It was her turn to roll her eyes. "It's Jude."

"Oh yeah. Jude." Anyone could hear disgust in the woman's voice. Anyone expect Laura, because she was convinced that no one could ever hate him. "I'm not paying for this."

"Mom, please I can't stay here-"

"Why ? Am I not good enough for you ?"

"That's not what I said-"

"I never liked him anyways." Laura's brows frowned. "He's a dumb teenage boy that just wants to get in girls's pants."

"That's not true he never tried anything with me." The girl denied.

"Yeah who would." God did she say that out loud. Her daughter's eyes showed her that yes, she did. "Laura-"

"You know what ? I'm tired of this."

"Tire of what, complaining-" "No, I'm tired of having a mother that does not love me." Silence was heard and Laura spoke again. "I'm leaving, no matter if you want it or not."

"And who's gonna pay ?"

"I don't care. I'll sleep in the fucking street if it means I'll be away from you."

"Please Laura, don't you see it ? My poor girl you're blinded by you're teenage love. He's never gonna love you."

"He loves me-" "Yes, as his sister, as his best friend. But is he ever gonna want you ? Open your eyes, darling. Soon he'll be a rich and handsome footballer and you'll always be a useless fat girl." And then nothing. Wasn't she going to apologize for that ? "That's not what I meant." There they were, the untrue apologies, the one that her mother would always make without meaning any word of them.

"You know I always thought it was me, that I was wrong. But how foolish of me, you were the problem all along. You're the bad mom, the bad person. Not me mom, you." Tears were flowing on her red cheeks and no one was here to wiped them. Laura took her bags looked a last time at her mom and left hearing her mom yell her name and tell her to come back, that she didn't mean to say that.

She walked out and stood on the corridor, saying her heart didn't fell apart at this moment would be a lie. She waited for a few minutes. She waited for her mom to come and hug her, to beg her to not leave, to wiper her tears. But nothing, no one. The handle didn't move from an inch and no noise in the apartment. No one would gather the piece of her heart and put them together.

Not now at least.

sweet.
by DollHurtFace