Spy School Oneshot Collection

He said it was full of Confederate Soldiers!

Lousy Sideburns gets questioned by the police after letting Ben blow up a minivan at the Civil War reenactment.

"Let's get the facts straight here," the police officer said. "It is my understanding that you let some random twelve year old kid use a cannon, then he blew up a minivan, and then he disappeared."

"That's correct, officer," Lousy Sideburns said.

"Why the hell did you let some random preteen use a cannon?"

"The cannon was not supposed to be able to actually do any damage."

The police officer rolled his eyes. "It's still a cannon!"

"I was also under the impression that he was capable of firing blanks correctly," Lousy Sideburns said.

"Why on earth would you think that?"

"Knowing how to work a cannon is fairly common knowledge at Civil War reenactments, and he was acting like he had done this before."

"Really?" the police officer asked. "Because according to these reports, the minivan that was blown up was behind Union lines. You didn't think it was odd that the cannon wasn't pointed at the enemy?"

"The kid said there was going to be a sneak attack."

"And you, a self-proclaimed Civil War expert, believed him?"

"Yes," Lousy Sideburns said sheepishly.

"Did he by any chance say how he knew there was going to be a sneak attack?"

"No, sir," Lousy Sideburns said. "But he really did seem to know what he was doing. He seemed confident."

"Sure," the police officer said sarcastically. "Are you also suggesting that if someone comes in here and confidently proclaims they're the president, we should just believe them?"

"Well, no, but-"

"Can it," the police officer said. "We're moving on. If this cannon was only supposed to be capable of firing blanks, how'd the kid get it to have enough power to actually blow up a minivan?"

Lousy Sideburns shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe someone taught him?"

"Yeah, right. This random kid at a Civil War reenactment is training to be a secret agent."

"Exactly!" Lousy Sideburns exclaimed.

"That was sarcasm," the police officer said. "I'm beginning to wonder if this kid even exists."

"He does," Lousy Sideburns insisted. "He's the real perpetrator here, not me!"

"We'll see about that," the police officer said, shaking his head and grumbling under his breath about all the nuts he had to deal with at this job.