Spy School Oneshot Collection

Ben's Top Ten Rules for Dating Erica

A helpful list Ben compiled for himself for future reference.

1.) To build up her immunity, Erica puts poison into her drinks. It is too much of a risk to even touch one of her teapots. (It turns out she owns several.) Always be cautious. What you think is normal apple juice probably contains startlingly large amounts of cyanide.

2.) If she says don't touch something, don't touch it. The odds of you accidently blowing something up are high.

3.) Never get on Cyrus's bad side. This applies to plenty of other people as well, but especially anyone trying to date one of his granddaughters. (At this point, Mike should be glad he's still alive.)

4.) Presents are hard. Most of the things Erica would want aren't things a kid can just walk into a store and buy without serious questions being raised, so it's best to plan ahead. Also, make an adult  you trust (to both keep a secret and not screw up the order) buy it. (Basically, Catherine. Cyrus works too, but he's considerably less approachable.)

5.) Sometimes it's better to just not ask questions. When the Hales do strange (by which I mean dangerous) things, it is usually just safer to go along with it and trust their sometimes questionable but usually kind of okay judgement. Also, the odds are that any concerns you do voice about their plans will get ignored, and you'll probably get dangerously close to breaking Rule #3. And if you've gotten dangerously close to breaking Rule #3, then you've broken Rule #3.

6.) Sometimes it's better to just not ask questions, part 2. A lot of stuff happened before you came along and started dating Erica, leaving some very strange family dynamics behind. If you do ask questions, they will probably not actually be answered, for a variety of reasons (bad timing, oddly sensitive topics, etc.). The worst, though, is when they're answered. There is a level of detail certain members of the Hale family are willing to provide on certain topics that is far beyond what you either needed or wanted to hear. Those conversations then have a tendency to get both very long and very awkward. As an added bonus, at times it can be impossible to predict what sort of questions might to lead to these unfortunate conversations.

7.) The more dates you go on, the more you realize just how many places people commit crimes. Erica has pointed out all sorts of things that you never would have thought of before. A lot of those are things I would have liked to have kept not thinking about.

8.) If you think it sounds like a vacation, it's not. (The Hales don't really do vacations. They just do espionage 24/7. I think it's somehow ingrained in their DNA.)

9.) You won't ever be told the whole truth about things, so you just have to trust Erica when she says she won't let you get killed. (So far, she has a very good track record, seeing as I'm still alive. Though some moments are terrifying.)

10.) Erica is a very good person to have on your side. Keep it that way. (Future Ben, if you ever were to break up with her, that would be quite dangerous. So just don't do it.)