Spy School Oneshot Collection

The speech that might have been

President David Stern's speech about Ben regurgitating a wombat through a flugelhorn.

As many Americans now know, there is a terrible epidemic in our country of people eating innocent wombats. Every time one of these marsupials is accidentally ingested, they are brought one more step closer to extinction, and while this may seem like an insignificant issue, an average of five wombats are accidentally eaten across this great nation every single day.

These accidental wombat ingestions are destroying our country's reputation in the world. What other country has been faced with such a strange yet incredibly serious problem with no solution in sight? America has turned into a laughingstock.

But, while our great country has faced this setback, our American spirit has now prevailed. Benjamin Ripley, an ordinary American citizen, has taken ahold of that pioneering spirit of our forefathers and found a way out of this crisis. Ben Ripley has not only found a way to regurgitate wombats through flugelhorns, but he has done it.

As I present Mr. Ripley with his Presidential Medal of Freedom today, let us all remember that even in crisis, the American spirit will prevail. Wombats will not be driven extinct by accidental ingestions. Thanks to this fine young man, flugelhorns can now be used to save these precious marsupials, and our country is better because of it. Let us all take today to say, "Thank you, Benjamin." May God bless you, and may God protect our wombats.