The Game of A Life Time

Chapter 36- As I Am

I know the past few chapters have been depressing as fuck, but some action is coming soon. Much happier chapters than the last six or seven. lol. Anyway, enjoy!!

Sitting by myself on the dock near the beach, I put my feet in the water to feel the cool ocean. I give myself some time before I have to be around people for a while.

My mind is overloaded with thoughts of self-harm, horrific memories of the murder of my brother, Jonathan trying to kill me, and the screams of Carter when I killed his best friend. I need space from the people I hurt, I can't take all of the silent glares they give me.

It hurts to think about how much time has passed since I killed Soran on top of the mountain. I never wanted it to end the way it did, the entity was controlling me. That's what Carter and Hector say to me when I get lost in my head.

Sometimes when I talk to Carter after a nightmare, he tries to explain to me that it is just my brain processing what happened and trying to make sense of it. The pain I feel in those nightmares are real pains that I feel when I wake out of them.

Carter has noticed me wince or flinch afterward but doesn't say anything to me. He thinks it is just the aftermath of how I feel, still being delusional with my thoughts. I know the truth, Soran is punishing me for what I did.

However, Jonathan has never shown up in my dreams or ever come to me while I am awake. It was weird seeing him there, his spirit didn't seem to be real. Just a hallucination from the events.

Residual energy...

I push Carter away from me because I don't want him to carry the burden of my sins. He has his own shit to sort out and that isn't easy with me being around.

Hating myself to the point he will leave me is the hardest thing I have done in my conscious mind. Spirits don't come to me, I don't feel them anywhere.

A broken girl with a curse that kills. That is how I would describe myself to anyone who would ask me to describe myself.

Alani has gotten me to try new things spiritually with her for a week. It has helped with the nerves a bit, but when I fall asleep is when the bad stuff happens. She is trying to figure out how to stop it or what is causing it to happen only in my dreams.

They don't believe me that it isn't just in my dreams. Right now, I see Soran's dead mutilated body floating just beneath the surface of the ocean water under the dock. He is watching me with his dead eyes and cold stare.

Carter stands beside me as I am sitting and plays with my hair. Tingles run over my neck and shoulders when he lightly tickles the top of my head making the hair droop across my face.

"You know you are such a heart-breaker," he whispers in my ear.

Squatting behind me, he wraps his arms around me and kisses me on the lips. I kiss him back sliding my tongue into his mouth and dividing his lips.

He moans into the kiss and I feel my heart lighten from the small affirmation. I place my hands on his arms and turn around to face him, grabbing his face, I smile.

"M' so lucky to," kiss, "have you." Kiss, "I lo- you."

I love you too.

We stand up and he hugs me around my head. I can't see anything except for his arms and white shirt. Looking up, I see his eyes looking beyond me and out to the ocean in front of us.

The boat is almost here, twenty minutes from docking. Me, Carter, and Hector will be voyaging across the ocean to Mexico. It will take us fourteen days to get to Cabo from here.