impermanence

forty-eight.

𝒐𝒅𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒎𝒆 𝒃𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒌𝒊𝒏𝒈

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

i stay up until midnight
crying under the covers

and i just want a bunch of tattoos
i don't even recognize myself
when i look in the mirror
i just want to feel in control again

dye my hair in the bathtub
throw out all my clothes on a whim
just trying to build up who i am
without your perception in my way
like a wall,
i let the bricks fall

i will put my headphones in
and listen to you singing
over and over and over again
until i forget what it sounds like
to talk to myself

and my heart is breaking in two
i try to stick myself together with glue
but it fails every time
falls apart every time

and you made me hate the person i was
i made myself hate the person i am
there's no winning this fight, i'm afraid
no matter how hard i try

and every day it gets harder
to watch the news,
the country is falling apart and
i don't know what to do
this country doesn't want me
and i don't know what to do

and it feels like my friends don't like me
it feels like i don't like myself
it feels like i don't like them

i forgot the sound of my own voice
until i used it to scream
until i came apart at the seams
until i mourned all my broken dreams

i forgot the sound of anger
until it boiled out of your throat
and spilled all over my coat

it hasn't been sunny in days
and i can't look at my own face
can't handle my own name
can't breathe when you look my way

and i thought life would be so different
take a bow, and close the curtains