impermanence

forty-six.

𝒏𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕𝒔

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

the words get jumbled in my head
and i am so afraid
of all that i will never be
of all that i will inevitably become

the sadness is creeping in
at the edges,
a monster emerging from darkness
and consuming all of my light
with its pitch black eyes
and teeth as sharp as knives

( i will be lucky
if i make it out with my life )

i'm sorry i sound like i'm angry
i'm sorry i look like a fool
i'm sorry if i hurt you
and i'm sorry if i get hurt too

i hug a stuffed animal tight to my chest
feel my heart breaking,
eyes filling up with tears,
wondering how did i end up here?

i replay every anxiety
and every lie i've told
and the mold spreads across the walls
while i talk with you on call

i feel myself rotting
from the inside out
as i hide who i am
from everyone around,
as i listen to the same band
on repeat for days on end
i try to make it through the best i can

i hate who i am,
i love who i could be,
night sets a trap to get caught
in these hopeless spirals
with no end in sight

i said goodnight and i'm
so sorry i lied
but i can't manage to sleep
when my mind is running away

time is weird
flying or crawling or standing in place
the exhaustion is written on my face

i haven't got the energy to
deal with this today,
but i deal with it anyway
over and over and over again

i failed my parents,
and i failed my friends
i'll fail everyone in the end
but then i have to get up and try again

i'll wake up in the morning
after this treacherous night
and i will carry on with my fight