impermanence

fifty.

𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒘𝒆 𝒄𝒐𝒖𝒍𝒅 𝒃𝒆

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

i am drinking a strawberry lemonade
you're not here to see
my heart cracks under the weight
of all i wish i could be

i wish i could play guitar
i wish i had a pair of big headphones
i wish i dyed my hair red
i wish i dyed my hair blue
i wish i had come out that night
i wish that i had kissed you
i wish we never met
i wish i could get tattoos
i wish i was born a boy

i wish i was in control of myself
but my brain is not my own
my thoughts run with the seasons
changing with no reason

you're on the other side of the country
but it feels like you're right in front of me
and what if i had taken a different turn
what if i had never talked to you
what if i was completely different
what if i was exactly the same

one life is all we get
god, what if i am wasting it?

i watch lightning storms outside
the car window
and decide that's who i'm going to be,
run barefoot in the grass
and let the stars consume me

i wasn't meant to be a person
trapped inside a body
i was meant to be an energy
that travels through everybody—
a twinkle in his eye,
the blush dusting her cheeks,
joy & happiness & curiosity

each day erodes my soul,
returns me to the dirt
i'm sorry i couldn't do better
i'm sorry i can't find my worth

i want to be so much better
but i don't know how