impermanence

seventy-seven.

𝒊'𝒗𝒆 𝒂𝒍𝒘𝒂𝒚𝒔 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘𝒏 𝒊 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒅𝒊𝒇𝒇𝒆𝒓𝒆𝒏𝒕

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

I don't want to die
In the way this body looks now
Ribs stitched too tight together
Voice running a mile a minute
Eyes always searching for more
Someone is staring back at you
The reflection in the pond distorts
You only see the fish swim in circles
You don't see your own eyes fill with water
The angels haven't given me my wings
The angels have turned the other way
And you have been left behind
My mouth tastes thickly of blood
We protest in order to stay afloat
But I don't recognize the face in my dreams
I plant myself in the garden out back
The sun reminds me I'm truly alive
Plants grow all around me, fingers stretching up
We are never alone out here
They push us down together or not at all
I started out as a boulder
But they smooth out your edges
Until you are smaller, more palatable, a pebble
Until you don't recognize yourself
You are fighting to survive
To bend your body into moonbeams
If you were dead you wouldn't know it
You haven't felt anything real in months
The tears flow like rivers
And you never learned how to swim
But you do know one thing
You don't want to die in your body
The way it is now, this prison cell
Begging them to change the name on the stone
Begging them to take you out of the dress
Begging for the angels to finally look
Turn their blazing eyes to you and weep
To turn your shoulder blades into wings
So you can finally support yourself
So this body is less palatable
More anger, supernovas a million miles away
The smell of matches burning in the night
You forgot what it felt like to truly burn
Because when let the flames lick your face
They can no longer dim you
You have made yourself stronger
Then they will ever be