MAKEOUTHILL

36%

*A Year Later*

June 2015

I sigh as I get into the backseat of Skyla's car. Reign being in the passenger seat, she turns around and smiles at me. "Hey, Rissa!"

"Hey, Rei." I smile back. Me and her got back on good terms since I had to move in with her and Sky.

I hear the faint sound of Jahseh rapping in the background. Very Rare Forever Freestyle is displayed on the radio screen.

My entire mood shifts. "Turn this off," I mutter as I put on my seatbelt.

"You can't lie girl, this shit sounds good as fuck. He just released it last month. He's getting better, don't you think?" Skyla asks. "You never know, XXXTentacion could be the next best thing."

"I don't care what X could be. Turn this shit off," I repeat.

The hatred behind my words may be a bit forced but still. The hostility I have towards him is real.

Doesn't matter how big of a rapper "X" is. That doesn't change what Jahseh did to me.

"Fine," Skyla says complying, taking her phone off the Bluetooth and back to a local radio station.

"I really think you should speak to him," Skyla sighs. "Stokeley told me—"

"You don't even know who Stokeley is. You went over there once and act like you knew him for months."

"I never claimed to know him. It's just, you know when you had me go get your stuff, he stopped me and spoke to me for a few minutes. If you'll let me tell you what he said, maybe you'll finally understand—"

"No." I interrupt again. "I didn't wanna hear what he had to say a year ago and I don't wanna hear what he had to say now."

"You're being stubborn as hell."

"And I don't give a fuck." I say. "I want nothing to do with those two. Don't mention their names, don't play their music, don't even talk about them around me."

Skyla and Reign share a look of concern.

"Understood?" I say looking at both of them.

"Whatever, girl," Skyla says.

The ride back to our shared apartment is silent.

Getting out the car, Skyla and Reign chatter and laugh as I drag behind them.

I'm not sure if they hear it, but I can audibly hear one of Jahseh's songs being bumped from the apartment pool behind us.

I try my best to tune it out and focus more on the girl's conversation, but I can't.

Everywhere I go he's being played.

Broward gets excited whenever they have a new coming-up artist and try their best to support them in every way they can.

Even if that means playing their music on repeat a million times a day.

We get into the building and I head straight to my room.

Closing my door, I imagine it as me shutting out any memory of him. Any reminder of him.

It's like everywhere I go there's a constant reminder that he meant something to me.

A guilty pleasure of mine is to look at the box under my bed. It holds things like pictures we've taken, jewelry he gave me, and even poems he's written for me.

Slowly, I pull out the box and examine the contents inside for the millionth time. Reading the poems and cute notes he used to write me.

I hold my stomach and try to stifle the sounds of me choking on my tears as I sit on my bed.

My bedroom door swings open. "Oh, by the way, Charisma—" Reign sees me and gasps. "Charisma..?"

She gently closes my door before coming over to hug me. I wrap my arms around her and sob even harder. The feeling of impact makes me hurt even more for some reason.

She rubs my back in a comforting manner. Before I know it, the words start spilling out. "Reign, I miss him so bad. So, so bad." I feel myself start to lightly tremble in her arms.

"And it's perfectly okay to miss him, you guys knew each other for years."

"No," I cry out. "No, it's not okay for me to miss him." I pull away from the hug to wipe my tears. "He hurt me. That nigga broke my heart, bro. So why do I still love him as much as I do? Why do I still picture a life with him?"

"That's love," she says. "It's weird. It could take years to get over someone you once loved. Or you may never get over them." Her voice lowers when she says the last part.

I wrap my arms around my waist and look at my feet. "So, I might feel this way forever?" I whisper.

Reign rubs my shoulder and gives me a sad smile as an answer.

"You know, I would do anything to speak to Jahseh one last time," I say without thinking. "Earlier—in the car—I was lying. I want to hear from Jahseh so damn bad. And I miss the shit out of Stokeley.

"One last time, all I'm asking. I want to hear Jahseh tell me he loves me and everything will be okay. The way he used to do for me whenever I was sad.

"The way he would hold me sometimes without saying a word because he knew just his presence alone would be enough to calm me down. I can't lie anymore Reign. I fucking miss him."

Reign seems lost. Like she's hearing me, but she isn't at the same time. "You good?" I say wiping my tears.

"Charisma, I'm gonna be honest with you. I treated you the way I did because I liked Jahseh and was jealous and I think I—"

"Oh, we know." I interrupt.

"Huh?"

"I think we all knew you liked Jahseh. It was very obvious."

"Yeah that, but what I was gonna say is I think I need serious help. I don't want to turn the conversation back to myself, but this is me questioning my sanity. Sometimes I have these thoughts of hurting people. Hurting people in really, really bad ways."

I chuckle. "Those are intrusive thoughts. We all have them. It's normal."

"No, Charisma—"

I pull her into a hug. "Thank you for listening to me, Reign. I needed the vent. I feel so much better."

She awkwardly rubs my back until she finally relaxes into the hug. "Anytime, Charisma. Anytime..."