warmth of your soul 2

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Avneet

  It's been a year already and I am still can't get over it. Not only me, everyone still couldn't digest the fact that a person is missing in our family. A year ago I was happy and content in my life. Since I got everything I lack family, happiness,love. But idk that God gonna play his cruel game by snatching my happiness away from me. It's like I am now more miserable than I am in the past. May be now everyone can see how vulnerable I am cuz in the past my smile and bubbly nature made me hide myself but now I think I can't even use it to hide my pain,agony and stress.

The only pain relief when I feel either when I stay in the hospital beside him or making myself busy in the modelling contract and in the company. I am now the head department of fashion designing but that isn't making me happy cuz the person behind who made me what I am now isn't present with me and I don't think I can be happy without him. Dada and didu are also not yet recovered from the shock but they are just living and trying to be happy for the sake of Abhinav. Abhinav, he is the only one who atleast makes me smile though I am dieing from inside.

Fate and it's cruel games...

I chuckled dryly. Right now I am in the company looking for the left over designs and sketches for the upcoming modeling show.

It's not the right time avi..! Start working...

With that I started working again pushing all my thoughts aside....

A phone rang pulled me out from my work. I looked at the watch and it's 10:50 pm. Shit! I am late again.

I picked up the phone to see dada. I immediately picked up
"Dada. I am coming in 10 min." Dada replied with an ok. I immediately hang up the call and rushed towards my car and started driving towards home no no... House.

Home,
Without you it doesn't feel like home siddu....

I pushed away those thoughts and came to the mansion and went towards the dining room to see dada and didu waiting for me.

"I am so sorry I didn't realise the time. Sorry for keeping u both waiting."  I said sitting beside them.

Di said "it's ok avu. Come let's eat first. "

I don't have a appetite to eat but I couldn't let them disappoint. They have been waiting for me and I couldn't let them be sad so atleast for their sake I started eating something.

After completion of dinner dada said "we already trying to get overcome the absence of one member avu. We can't loose u again.  Stop working like a robot. Abhinav asks for u daily. We miss u. We know how u feel and how u are feeling but atleast be with us so that we can provide support for eachother. We have only u now. We couldn't live if u also leave us. "

I immediately went towards him and hugged him tightly. Tears started rolling down my eyes but I quickly shut them tightly to not let them cry again and didu joined in the hug.

"I am sorry dada and di. In my side I thought I am trying to move on by working but it isn't working and I thought u are ok without me. I didn't realise that I am causing u both more pain by me being like this. I am really sorry. I won't repeat it again. " I said after I stopped crying.

Di slapped me lightly and said " are u mad avu? How can u think that we are ok without you. You are as important as Siddharth to us. Being busy doesn't keep u forget and u can't move on if u are always working. U should accept the fact and u need to be strong to come out of it. Tell me if Siddharth will be happy seeing u like this...? "

And when I thought about it. No.. my siddu would never be happy knowing what his absence made me. I have to be strong and I have to fight in this war against God to bring my siddu, my life, my happiness back to me, myself. I sighed thinking something deeply..

" I am sorry for everything I did." After saying it. I just went back to my room...

I opened a book and started writing about how I feel without him. I started writing from the moment siddu admitted in the hospital. He's absence haunts me like a nightmare. Once he was the one who pulled me out of my drastic past and made me happy, independent and a woman who I am today but now he was, is the one who again pushed me in to the darkness, nightmares and the worst thing about this is even though I take pills there will be no sleep... I have to take a double pills to give my brain a rest for atleast few hours....

My overthinking sometimes makes me kill,hurt myself again but our pics, mostly siddu's pics keep me alive in the moment not to die. Not to hurt myself... I always remember his words. Him trying to save me and he saying that...

"Avi, look the next time u try to hurt yourself or kill yourself. Remember, you aren't only hurting yourself but also me. Your siddu whom u love and want to be happy always and forever. No matter what are the circumstances or situations. You are hurting means me also getting hurt..."

I still remember his words exactly. Idk why he suddenly said those words to me while we were sitting in the garden and watching the moon. I think may be he thought in the future this would bound to happen....

I sighed and started writing what I feel about him and how I feel in my heart without him...

You're the only thing my heart desires right now. To feel you right beside me. Your eyes, your smile, your laugh and especially you.... I dream of you,  dream about you when my eyes are closed but when I open them reality strikes me.  You're away from me.  When I wake up to see an empty bed beside me, tears start clouding in my eyes.. you're my hope in my hopeless life and you're the sunshine of my dark life. My love, siddu..
You're the one who makes my life complete and filled it with happiness which I dreamt off. But now i think would i be able to smile and be happy again...?
This question haunts me siddu. Only you coming back to me makes me alive again.
I love you
I miss you
I need you
My siddu.

I closed the diary and took sleeping pills and let sleep consume me with only one thought. 

A better tomorrow and a for a new hope to keep me alive...

Finally!!
That's first chapter...
How's it?
I literally rewritten it for around 3 or 4 times to give my best..