"Yearning in Silence"

13

Then

Kim

Chay did not deserve me, I know that, and he doesn't deserve the pain he felt when he confessed to me.

I know, it would have been beautiful to have  someone like Chay in life, to be loved by him.

But I can't reciprocate his feelings. I just can't.
I don't feel anything towards Chay, like Love romantically, I've said it a million times already.

The other night, his confession was so sudden I didn't know what to say, and the only thing I've said was "we were friends"

I didn't mean it in a bad way, but how am I suppose to tell him I don't love him romantically without hurting him.

I watched his eyes filled with tears and his demeanor turned broken, when I said that. And I do regret saying that, but I can't do anything about it, I just can't love Chay.

I can't love him.

And then he left me, as he apologized for confessing, I didn't  want him to apologize. I should be the one apologizing, I should be the one to ask for forgiveness because I've hurt him.

My heart aches as I think that I'm losing Chay, I don't want to lose him, I want to be his best friend for the rest of forever.

I stayed at the rooftop for a while and then it started raining, I just went down the event.

Chay is always the best human, and will always be my favorite friend... He is the only person I can talk to about my rants, he is the only person I call when I'm sad. He is that kind of person who'd always have your back. And I love him for that. But- I just can't force heart to beat for him, It does not work like that.

But I swear if it was in different circumstances, If... He isn't the best person I've ever met, if he isn't my best friend. I'll love him with all my heart.

But some people are just better off as friends...
Especially when you don't want to lose them.

After some time, as the rain stops I went home, and went straight to my room.

**

I just stayed in my bedroom, for the past days. I didn't have an energy to go out, though Khun called for me, I just felt so drain.

And tomorrow's Monday, I want to talk to Chay, I hope he'll still befriend with me.

I am now sitting on my bed, when I heard someone knocking on my door.

"I don't want to talk to anyone, leave please!" I shouted

I hope whoever that person is, I hope they'll leave peacefully.

But guess what, I'm wrong. The door swung open, and I saw Macau.

" You're an asshole." He said, as he sat on the couch.

" What do you want? " I asked coldly.

" Nothing. I just wanted to say  that you're an asshole. " He stated his voice firm.

I bet he knew.

" How's Chay? " Is what I asked

" Alive. " He answered focusing on his phone

" Are you mad at me? " I asked again, he glared at me.

"Yeah." He answered shortly, as he shift his attention to his phone.

"But I can't possibly blame  someone who can't love someone. It's your feelings, They are valid." He continued.

" Since when did you know about Chay's feeling towards me? " 

" Since... First year before I even transferred here. " He answered honestly.

" Do you think Chay hates me? "

" No. "

"... "  I didn't answer, I want him to elaborate more as to why he thinks that Chay don't hate me.

" Look, Porchay is the kindest person I've ever met. You know that, he will always put someone's feelings instead of his. He wasn't mad at you, he was just hurt. But he told me...
he can't blame you for not loving him, and he can't possibly force you to love him in return." Macau answered, his tone much calmer this time.

I feel so shitty even more, knowing Chay didn't get mad.

" Did you ever like Chay? " He asked

" No. " I answered

" Not once? " He asked again

" Not ever, not romantically. " I said without hesitating.

" Your loss" he shrugged as he stood up and open the door.

" Hey, Macau..." I called him

He turned to me.

" Thank you, for being there with Chay." I told him

" Well. You could never. " He sarcastically said, closing the door as he went out.

I was left stunned as he said those words. Macau was always sarcastic, but I could never thank him enough for staying with Chay.

I just hope everything goes well tomorrow.