"Yearning in Silence"

25.

Chay

I was always intrigued by the idea of being inlove.

The feeling of being loved, by someone you've been pinning for for years.
Just sunshines and rainbows.
I used to love the idea of being inlove, and to be loved in return.

All of those beautiful things couples do.

I wanted to try it.

But then I was so occupied by the thought of how wonderful love is,  that I forgot the other side of it.

I forgot that love's the reason why there's pain, sadness, anger, and all the ugly little feelings that'll eventually come when you fell in love.

I've always thought that being inlove is the most beautiful thing human could ever have.

Everyone wants to be loved.
I wanted to be loved.

To be in a relationship with him, was my biggest dream when I was in highschool.
To be held by him
To do all the things couples do

I wanted to try all of it with him.
All I ever wanted was for him to love me back...

I used to think that love was beautiful, but after all that happened with Kim, I don't think I'll ever fall inlove again.

If that's what love is, I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life.

I went on with my life, after everything that had happened.

After realizing everything Kim did, and didn't.
Which is... Kim did hurt me, gave me nothing but pain, and kissed me which was the worst move he ever did.

And what I wished for him to do was to love me, but he never did.

It's what I believe even though he told me he did.

But I guess he loved me a little too tiny, never too much, and I wished he could love me, the way I loved him.

The first months I felt so worthless, and felt so unloved, I had this thoughts of killing myself.
But I never told it to anyone, I never talked about it to anyone, so no one knows.

Well except Macau, he knows everything. Even though I'm silent, he understood me. I once thought that he may have a super power that can read mind.

I could never thank him enough for staying here, to keep me company, and understand me.

Though we kept on fighting, since he was not buying all the things I've been doing.
He sometimes made me feel like I changed.

But I didn't change at all, he'll never understand that.

I never changed not once.
I just... felt that I need to be more reserved,

I just learned that I need to be tough to get through in this cruel world.

I had to be like this to keep myself from getting hurt again. So no one would take advantage of me.

Today's the supposed meeting with Kim, if I'm showing up, but I'm not, and I won't.

I'm on call with P'Porsche earlier and he asked me if I wanted to visit him so we could hang out, I asked Macau to come with me, and he immediately said yes.

When I set foot Infront of P'Porsche apartment. I feel nostalgia, every thing brings me back to how it was back then.

I had to remind myself that I need to be strong so I don't break down here, after gathering the strength I have. I knocked on the door, and P'Porsche greeted me with a smile, and hugged me.

I noticed how he's features are all messy, his hair is everywhere, wrinkled shirt, and then I glanced on the couch only to find P'Kinn smiling.

I scrunched my nose, and hugged P'Porsche back. 

"Hello to you too, P'Kinn. Please use P'Porsche's  room when you two make-out, I'm still a kid." I teased.

P'Porsche blushed and he ruffled my hair and kisses my forehead.

" I missed you"

I missed myself too.

"I dont." I joked and runs towards my room

I showered first, and unpacked my suitcase.

I turned off my phone, to avoid opening email and change my mind or show up.

I'm not gonna show up, I'm not ready to see him again.

I plopped down my bed, and stared at the ceiling.

A lot of memories came on my mind like a river flowing rapidly after the rain.

I've had good memories here with Kim.
Me composing the lyrics as he strums the guitar.
We used to play video game every Saturday.
We used to do our homework here too.
God, I missed those times. Back before I lost myself, back before the heartbreak...back before everything went wrong.
Back before loving Kim felt so good.

I felt a tear rolled down my cheeks and I wiped them as soon as the door of my room opened.

Macau burst inside, he was so excited at first but then he stopped when he noticed me.

His eyebrows furrows, and he takes a step towards me, slowly. He didn't say anything when he sat down next to me on my bed.

And then he hugged me, I was breathing slowly to stop myself from sobbing but I failed. I cried on Macau's shoulder.

"I missed my mom" I said brokenly.

Then I heard another footsteps entering my room, I smelled P'Porsche cologne and he hugged me too, comforting me.

After some minute I've calmed down. P'Porsche told me he's going to prepare for dinner.

"Do you wanna grab ice cream?" Macau asked sitting next to me, as he plays on his phone.

I looked at him smiling.

" Sure, your treat. "

He rolled his eyes on me, but then he stood up, and told me to hurry up.

Before I got on Macau's car, I opened my phone and looked at the time. 

It's already 8pm, I didn't ask Kim if he's still there, I bet he already left, it would be so dumb of him, if he'd wait for an or two hour.

but I messaged him that I forgot about the meeting.  And then turned my phone off again.

Arriving at the familiar convenience store.
I groaned and glared at Macau, he knows this was the convenience store me and Kim used to go.

As I was choosing the ice cream flavor Macau asked me.

"When's the schedule of you and Kim's meet up?"

I looked at him, contemplating whether to tell the truth or to lie. I'll choose the former,

"Earlier at five." I said casually

Macau stared at me disappointingly.

"Chay..." He started

I rolled my eyes at him, here we go again with his kindness and good manner.

"Don't get me started, I'm not ready to see him yet!" I whisper-shout

He sighs deeply, as he chooses his ice cream flavor, and walked to the counter.

"Chay, you should've just told him you're still not ready to see him, this is too much. " He reasoned out.

" I have a list of all the horrible things Kim did to me, and let's say which one's too much. " I uttered sternly.

Macau sighs, defeated. But he looked at me intensely, and I looked at him the same, he can't tell me what to do, he isn't the one who felt the pain.