"Yearning in Silence"

27

Third person's POV

The word dances between them, "I'm sorry."
Funny how Kim's "I love you" turned into "I'm sorry". However Chay didn't wanna hear it. He was so sick of it.

Ever since he confessed his feelings to Kim, all he ever received was pain associated with an apology. Apologies, rather.

Which possibly sucks, because all he ever wanted to hear was a gratitude, and an 'I love you'.

He did though, Kim told him he loved him...but with another pain and oh well, another apology.

Kim's apology this time sounds like a broken record that runs through Chay's mind over and over.

The place, the time, and the silence between them. It was not perfect, there was no stars nor moon, rather it was cold, and the dark clouds make it even sadder.

Chay's mind is everywhere, his heart not beating rapidly as it used to whenever he's  with Kim. This time all his heart does is to circulate blood inside him.

Kim's heart is the opposite, it is beating rapidly as if it wanted to come off his chest. His heart beats dangerously fast that maybe anytime soon he'd hyperventilate.

"Chay, I'm so sorry...." Kim uttered one more time. Begging to be heard, he sounds so broken, that his voice cracked in the end.

Kim's apology this time is even more painful than when he apologize to Chay for rejecting him, back when they were in highschool.

But Chay is still silent beside him, he did move though, he pulled his knees on his chest, and rest his head on it, still not talking.

Chay was brought back to those time he had with Kim, and he thought he was over it, he thought this time would be different, that this time he won't feel anything when Kim apologize, but he was wrong, he felt it all again, the pain, the heartaches, those sleepless nights he spend thinking of Kim's "I love you" and all of the things he thought he was over with. It brings back the pain that Chay tried so hard to forget.

"Why did you kiss me back then?" Chay started swallowing the lump in his throat.
Silly question, but he really wanted to know.

No matter how much Chay wanted to avoid this topic with Kim, they need to talk, to settle things between them, to have closure as Macau says and  to finally move forward. For the both of them. Because as much as Chay wants to forget, he'd never get over it when he never heard Kim's explanation.

He deserves an apology, and Kim needed forgiveness, because he doesn't want to live his life full of regrets.

But Chay's question made Kim's eyes goes wide, he didn't expect Chay to open that up, or maybe he wasn't expecting Chay to talk at all. And he misses his voice. But Chay's voice this time is indifferent, not the way it used to be, not sweet, not honey like, it doesn't sound like Chay at all.

"Because... I missed you" Kim started

Chay turned to him this time, his eyebrows raised, eyes distant. But he smirked.

"Huh! Funny, you kiss everyone you miss?" He chuckled.

"N-no, Chay... It's... I missed you, and I swear that time I- did love you, I do. " Kim stammered  staring directly on Chay's eyes, maybe looking for other's feelings other than emptiness.

Chay rolled his eyes at Kim.

"You were with Lia." Chay whispered feeling a little guilty about the kiss, he was Lia's friend.

Kim took a deep breath, he was feeling so broken to open his mouth.

He didn't know what to say, he knew it was wrong, but kissing Chay felt right at that moment, and he was impulsive.

A few seconds pass, with another silence between them, and Chay wanted to leave, he didn't to be near Kim again, he felt so sick being around him.

Kim may be noticed how Chay squirmed next to him. So he started to talk.

"I know kissing you that moment was the worst thing I've ever did." He started

Chay settles beside him again, he relaxes this time. He didn't talk

"And I'll never stop apologizing to you, until you know how sorry I am, so please, I want you to know how I felt. Just let me explain" when Chay didn't talk, but he didn't leave either Kim continued

"Back when we were highschool, when you confessed, I didn't know I had romantic feelings towards you, so I am sorry for rejecting you, I really am sorry Chay. But there were moments when I felt like I liked you, I hated it when you hang out with anyone who isn't me, I hated to see guys confessing to you, but I never really acknowledge the feeling, because I thought it was only natural since you used to hang out with me, and you were my best friend." Kim took a deep breath, and wiped the tears that's pools down his cheeks.

Taking another deep breath, Kim continues his voice shaky.

"And... When I felt that you were drifting away from me, I felt bad. I thought I only felt bad but I was feeling sad that you stop doing the things you usually do with me, and it hurt me. And when you left without telling me that's when I realized how much I yearn for you, how much you mean to me, and so when I saw you again, I kissed you and it was wrong I know it was, and I'm sorry again, I regretted doing so... But I swear god knows how much I loved you, I still do. I still love you Chay. " Kim broke beside Chay, his continued to flow down his cheeks.

Kim covers his face with his hands, and he sobbed even more, when he heard Chay sniffled.

They looked at each other, and he saw how broken Chay is, he felt miserable for doing this to Chay. For making Chay cry.

For a good minute they just stared at each other, but when Chay finally opens his mouth, that's when Kim knew how he fucked things up.