"Yearning in Silence"

20

Then
Chay

It's been months, two months exactly. After I left and college will start soon.

I did kept in touch with Macau, and we'll Kim...

We also somehow stayed in touch. He messaged me, and told me that he got my number from P'Porsche. He told me he was devastated that I didn't told him I was leaving.

Anyway, my life here is much better and peaceful than when I lived there. It has a good neighborhood, and people are kind.

I have my mom beside me most of the times so... It's much easier and I'm more happier.

My mom and I are currently sitting on the bed

"Are you gonna sleep next to me?" She asked

"Is it okay?"

"Hmmm, you're old enough, sleep at your room." She teased

I don't know what I'm feeling right now, I just thought that I needed to sleep next to her.. I just felt like I should.

"Please?" I plead

"Okay, come here" she said patting the space next to her.

The feeling of mother's warmth is what I needed most.

I love how my mom's warm hand graze on my hair. I love how her voice soothes the storm inside me. I love how everything feels good when mom's around.

"I love you, Chay." My mom says and she kissed my forehead

I don't think I need to tell her that I love her too.

But I hugged her tight.

And let my sleepiness take over me.

* T. W (graphic depiction of death)*

It was past midnight when heard a severe coughing, I opened my eyes as soon as I felt that mom was not next to me anymore.

I saw my mom coughing severely, she was sitting in the edge of the bed.

I stood up and went to the kitchen, and gave her some water, best remedies for cough, I guess? Or Atleast that's what I know?

Few moments past she was still coughing really hard, and I don't have any idea what I'm going to do.

She was nearly out of breath, when she asked me to call an ambulance or Atleast call someone for help.

I dialed an emergency number, and told them the reason, they said they'd be here five.  I also tried dialing P'Porsche's number and it was out of reach.

Everything's happening so fast, all I remember is that I assisted my mom to sit on the couch as she continues to cough. And later on she was on the floor almost out of breath, I couldn't feel any of my body functioning except my heart. It was beating so rapidly. But I stood there frozen. Looking at my mom as she tried to catch her breathing.

I was panicking so bad, that I didn't know what to do. I kept on dialing P'Porsche but he was out of reach.

I kneeled Infront of her and performed mouth to mouth CPR, but it didn't help either.

A few minutes later I've heard the siren of an ambulance, that's when I opened the door and told asked them to hurry.

Before they lift my mom's unconscious body, I caught a glimpse of a tear falling from her eyes.

And that's when it hits me, my mom is inside the ambulance unconscious... No signs of breathing, nor eyes blinking.

Nothing.

Nothing at all.

The moment we entered the hospital, I couldn't hear anything else other than my heart beating, my heavy breathing.

They brought her to the emergency room.

It was happening so damn fast and I kept on praying, begging.

But I wasn't crying, I was in  shocked. I wasn't crying because I was hopeful. Thinking that my mom will make it out alive.

One thing I forgot is that...I should've checked her pulse.

The moment I saw the doctor shakes his head. That was the moment my tears fell hard.

I gathered all of the courage I have with me, and run towards the emergency room almost immediately.

I was a sobbing mess, when I held her cold hands, I never knew that the warmest person I know would be this cold.

I don't want to accept that I lost her, I can't.

"Mom" I sobbed, kissing her forehead

"I- I thought you'd wait until I became a
docto—"  I had to stop and breath

" Please, mom. Please wake up. Please." I begged helplessly.

A hand held me from the back, and I saw my mom's friend Aunt Hani, crying as well. She lived next door

" I'm sorry I didn't know. " She said

It's not her fault, I want to tell her that...

I'm the one to blame, if only I was not helpless, if only I had known what to do. I would've been able to save her.

I was the only person who could've saved her, but I was so dumb. I didn't know what to do.

Aunt Hani held me so tight, as I cried.

That's when my phone rings, I looked at the caller I.D and I saw P'Porsche's name on it

"Hello, Chay?"  His voice full of nervousness

I want to be mad at him, I want to blame him for not answering the phone as soon as I called him.. but it wasn't his fault... No matter how much I want to change it... It was my fault- for lacking knowledge, for not being useful enough.

"Hia... M-mom is" I didn't get to finish my sentence as another sob escape my mouth.

Aunt Hani had to take the phone, and told P'Porsche what happened. I don't know what he'd feel, I bet he'll be mad at me.

It was my fault

I'm so sorry mom.

I didn't even got a chance to tell her I love her back. I didn't get the chance to thank her. And now it's too late.

My mom died Infront of me...
My mom died—

And
I
Died
With
Her.