"Yearning in Silence"

23

Present

Kim

I sit here in the quiet solitude of my room, memories of him flooding my mind.

It's been two and a half years since he asked me to leave his room or his life, and not a single day has gone by without regret gnawing at my soul. I treated him poorly, took his love for granted, and now I bear the consequences of my actions.

I remember the moments we shared, the laughter, and the warmth that radiated between us. Chay was my everything, my shining light in the darkest of times. But I was a fool, blinded by my own cowardness, unable to see the treasure that stood right in front of me.

I told him how I truly felt, but I don't think he knows how much he meant to me. Atleast he doesn't know HOW MUCH.

At first, I was coward I let fear and doubt consume me, convincing myself that Chay deserved someone better, someone who could love him not just as a friend. And in that misguided attempt to protect him, I pushed him away.

I had caused him too much pain, the second time I was with someone else and I kissed him. I shouldn't have done that.

When Chay finally cut off ties, it felt like the world around me crumbled into dust. His absence left an emptiness within me that no amount of time could fill.

I yearned to hear his voice, to see his smile, to feel his gentle touch once more. But my chance had slipped through my fingers, a testament to my own foolishness. I deserve that.

Days turned into weeks, weeks into months, and now years have passed. The regret has grown like a festering wound, a constant reminder of the love I lost. I've spent countless nights replaying every moment in my mind, imagining what could have been if only I didn't hurt him in that way. If only when he confessed to me the first time, if only I said I liked him back.

I long to apologize, to beg for forgiveness and a third chance. But the fear of rejection and the knowledge that I may have destroyed something truly beautiful keep me rooted in silence.

I've learned the hard way that love is not something to be taken lightly.
It is a delicate bond that requires nurturing, honesty, and vulnerability. I failed on all of that, and now I'm left with the consequences of my actions. I should've treasured him more.

So here I am, trapped in a bittersweet realm of memories and regrets.

It's been two and a half year since I last saw Chay, and it pains me that the only memory of him in my mind is him crying, worst thing is that I am the reason for all his pain.

There was never a day that I didn't dial his number or send him an email, apologizing for all the pain I've caused him.

I went to their house a week after I broke up with Lia, but he wasn't there anymore, I tried asking Porsche but he was mad at me, he never answered me. Understandable, I mean? Who wouldn't feel loathing to someone who hurt their sunshine? No one.

I didn't ask Macau though, the last time I saw him he punched me, and told me to stay the fuck out of Chay's life.

Lia, that girl wasted my time. She cheated on me with her ex a month before what happened between me and Chay. She apologized to me, told me she was looking for the right time to break up with me, and that she still love her girlfriend. I told her about Chay, and she was cool with it. We called it off when we realized we weren't really good for each other.

I sent an email again to Chay, I never missed sending him a mail, not a day. Never.

[Email]

Me: Hey Chay, it's been two and a half years since THAT day, I know I caused you so much pain, I am still here apologizing, I really am sorry, I know I don't deserve any of your forgiveness, nor responses, but I just want to know where you are? And how have you been? Chay... are you doing good?
I'll never get tired of waiting for you Chay.
I missed you so much.
And I love you.
✓sent

My heart starts beating rapidly as I saw that Chay replied to it, but it didn't last long, what he replied breaks me all over again.

Porchay: Good thing you know you don't deserve forgiveness.
Let me live Kim.
Please leave me alone.

In every word he sent, I felt a stinging pain crept inside me. I know I don't deserve forgiveness nor Chay deserved the pain I've caused him, but I wanted to see him , to know if he was doing good, or if he is happy, and to tell him how much I love him.

I know it's too naive of me to ask him this, but I really want to

Me: Can we meet, Chay? Please?

My hands are getting cold due to nervousness, and my forehead sweaty, waiting for him to reply.

Porchay: Only if you promise you won't bother me any longer once we meet.

"Oh fuck, fucking finally" I muttered, reading his message.

Me: I can't promise that but I just wanted to talk to you. Please Chay.

Porchay: whatever, give me the date and place. and stop messaging me. Thanks.

I didn't know what to answer after that, but I guess it's the best if I don't message him back, or he'd be much more upset than he already is.

I'm looking forward to seeing him. I missed him so much. I gotta find a perfect place for us to talk.