"Yearning in Silence"

18.

Then

Chay

"You shouldn't  keep doing this" I complained, Kim and I are on our way to the coffeeshop.

He asked me to accompany him today, since he wanted to buy stuffs.

"Shouldn't  keep doing what?" He asked confused

You can't keep complimenting me... You know how that shit makes me feel, you know too well how that words makes me fall even more.

"Just... That, stop complimenting me."  I answered, lowering my head.

"But you do look pretty." He answered

I just sighed deeply.

He doesn't know how his words  made me feel.

"Do you want hazelnut?" He asked

"I don't want coffee, I want water."  I answered.

" You're red like tomato, are you good? " He asked again, his tone teasing.

" I'm fine!" I shouted, feeling embarrassed,

I don't know why I'm feeling oh so giddy about the way compliments me.

He's done it a few times since the past months.

I was always been told pretty, and handsome or cute. But none of them made me feel like when  Kim says it to me.

"So... What course are you planning to take this college?"

"You know I've always wanted to be a doctor" I answered

"I- I didn't know... You never told me" he looked at me confused

"Ah, I forgot. It was Macau whom I told it to. But yeah I'll take medicine." I shrugged

"Hm, I'll take Military." He stated

I looked at him wide eyed

"Wh-why? You never wanted t—"

"So you'd be the one to heal me, when I got shot."

And I swear if I didn't hold myself back, I'd be squealing by now.

" Stop! You're creeping me out!" I told him as I hit his arm lightly.

We smiled at each other for a good while, and I suddenly felt my heart beating ten times faster than it already did.

I stared into his eyes deeply—

I wish I know what he's thinking about...or what his eyes wanted to say.

But what I really want is

For Kim to made up his mind and love me instead.

I know I've told him that he needn't to reciprocate my feelings, but I can't help but wonder what it would be like to be loved by him. To be held by him not just as a companion but his lover.

How would it feel like if he liked me too, if only he'd think things through...

If only he'd give us a chance and think about my feelings for him...

How would it feel like if both of our hearts beats in synch?

It would be perfect , if only he'd love me back.

However, all I could do right now is to wish upon a star, and wait, like I always did.

One thing about my feelings towards Kim is that :

I have loved him for four years since the first moment I laid my eyes on him, I've felt it when my heart starts beating rapidly.

I have loved him way too long to even think of unloving him

I have loved Kim way too long that I'm afraid I won't be able to fall in love with someone who isn't him

I have loved him for four years, that I'm hoping we'd end up together, no matter how much he didn't want us to...

I don't know his reason, as to why he can't love me back and I don't want to believe that he cherish our friendship way too much that he's afraid he'd break us apart... I don't want to believe that.

I won't believe that, it's just not a valid reason for him to not love me back.

Or maybe he just don't find me attractive enough, Am I ugly? Oh goshhhh maybe I am, or maybe I'm not on his standard.

But this past years all I did was to do my best for him to notice me, for him to... Atleast think of me as a boyfriend material... I tried and I'm still trying.
I'll keep on trying,  I hate it...

I think...

I think I have so much pent up love inside me, that if I don't have enough self control I'd end up begging him to love me back, I think if I lack self control I'd end up being desperate enough to kneel Infront of him and cry just so he'd pity me and try to love me...

I know I have so much love inside, and I'll keep wishing upon a star for him to feel the same way towards me.

Because I know,

I can't forget about him,

and

I won't.