"Yearning in Silence"

21

Then

Chay

P'Porsche came 2 days after my mom died, he was apologizing for not being around, and he was a crying mess.

And I was the one apologizing to him for not being able to save mom.

I wish I could cry with him, but I didn't. I can't I've cried it all before he came here. I need to be strong for the both of us.

"I am so sorry" I said again, as I held on him tightly

" Shh, Chay it was never your fault, I'm thankful you were around, I should be the one apologizing" That's what he says.

I won't believe him telling me it's not my fault because it is.

"She told me loved me, the night before she died" I stated.

Remembering how I didn't tell her I love her back.

P'Porsche held me.

"I've told Macau and Kim about what happened." P'Porsche stated

"Macau told me he's on the way with Pete and Vegas..."

I know... Macau will always be by my side when ship sinks. He'd drown with me, or save me.

I don't need to ask about Kim, I'm pretty sure he's not coming. He might be too busy with his life, and what would be the difference with him being here or not? Will he be able to bring my mom back? No. And I'd like it more if he isn't here, his presence will only hurt me for other reason.

But I wonder where P'Kinn is... It's unusual for him to not be here, when P'Porsche's literally having a hard time.

" Where's P'Kinn? " I asked

" Hm? We broke up last week." Phi simply says as if it didn't hurt him at all.

"Are you alright?" I asked worriedly

"We're far from being alright Chay, but we ain't giving up, okay?" He answered, patting my head lightly.

We were too occupied talking with mom's friends that we didn't notice the arrival of P'Pete and their family, until Macau hugged me.

"My deepest condolences, Chay" he whispered.

It took all of my courage not to break infront of him, but I embraced him tightly, reminding myself to breath.

We pulled away from each other, and that's when I noticed a man in all black, his hair much longer than it did two months ago, in his black leather jacket, standing on the doorway.

This isn't the right time but I became aware of my heart as it beats twice faster than it did seconds before I saw him.

Kim... He came.

I looked around and noticed that P'Porsche was also in shock, and I noticed that he was wiping his tears as P'Kinn approached him.

I didn't know where Macau went. Maybe he's with Venice.

"Chay..." Kim started as he sauntered towards me.

My heart is beating wilder, and I feel out of breath. Air, I need air.

Kim stopped right Infront of me, and then hugged me gently, resting his head on my shoulder, gently caressing my hair.

I swallowed the lump on my throat, and sucked in a deep breath.

The tears that I've been holding for the whole day finally find their way out.

"Kim" I said weakly

"I'm here, Chay. " he whispered.

I cried even more, I know. I thought having him here won't make it better but knowing he's around and here to comfort me, makes me feel vulnerable.

It took me a minute to calm down, and he pulled away from the hug. Wiping my tears with his thumb.

"Do you wanna go out for a walk?" He asked

I nodded, we walked outside the house and went to the yard. Sitting down in the grass under the palm tree.

I feel a lot better when the fresh air touched my skin, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

"Your eyes are all swollen from crying." Kim's voice crept through me like a beautiful melody.

I couldn't find a word to utter, I just somehow want to stay here. Sitting on the grass, gazing at the stars and feeling the calmness of the wind, with Kim by my side.

We were surrounded by a comfortable silence, and it was nice.

Until Kim breaks the silence by asking.

"I don't know if it's appropriate to ask this, specially you're going through some situation but... Why'd you left Chay?"

I gulped, hard and looked at him.

" I- I wanted to stay with my mom. " I answered leaving the other reason behind.

" Is it the only reason? " He asked turning his gaze towards me.

I hate confrontation, and I don't think if it's best to lie about it, but what's the point of hiding the truth right?

"Was I the reason?" He asked again

I just looked at him.

He didn't need to ask me twice to know the answer, I bet he heard it in my silence.

He avoided my gaze, and runs his finger through his hair frustratedly.

"I'm so sorry" he apologized, but I don't think it's just an apology. By the way he says it, it's more of a plea.

We fell silent again. I was so mesmerized by the stars. I was shocked when I heard a sniffling sound.

"You're crying?"

He wiped his tears, and looked at me.

"You're too precious Chay, and all I've given you was pain." His voice cracked at the end.

It may be heartless for me to laugh at him, but I couldn't help it. He looked so cute.

"Stop crying. It's been two months, and I'm fine now." I'm moving on..

I didn't say the last word. He doesn't have to know that.

I felt his fingers graze on mine, and I turned to him only to realize he was looking at me intently.

His eyes red from crying.

Im so confused, I don't know what's happening but my heart is beating rather faster, and Kim is leaning forward, and I'm closing my eyes.

And all of a sudden all at once, his lips were on mine.