"Yearning in Silence"

28

Kim

My heart feels heavier than they already are, when I looked at Chay. He is crying, again. And it's my fault.

As we both sat here on the same convenience store we used to buy ice cream when we were highschool, all of the good memories I've had with him haunts me all over again.

How Chay's eyes used to sparkle when he sees me, how his demeanor would suddenly lit up everytime I choose his favorite ice cream flavor, how warm Chay's smile is. Was.

But when I looked at Chay's eyes right now to search for happiness, I didn't see anything, all I see is how I made him feel. His beautiful eyes are now filled with sad tears, how his demeanor became dim, and he didn't smile to me. All I ever wanted is for Chay to be happy, I never want him to cry. I didn't mean to make him cry, because it breaks me ten times  to see him cry.

I have to stop the urge to hug him right now, and wipe his tears with my thumb. I know he'd flinched, I know he'd avoid me, and he wouldn't like me doing that. The distance between us, agreed.

When Chay sniffles again, he turned his gaze on the dark sky, and wipes his tears harshly.

"All I ever want was to be loved..." He started, he covers his mouth to muffle a sob that escapes his mouth. He turned his gaze on me again he looked so broken " by you..." And then he looked away.

He took deep breaths, and relaxes before he talk again.

"All I ever did was try my best.  For you...To look at me the way you looked at Yohan, I wanted you to cherish me the way you cherish him. And maybe it was unintentional but you were so kind, and nice to me, that I misunderstood your kindness into something else... " He chuckled a little, but his chuckle doesn't sound beautiful

" All I ever did was l-" Chay took a deep breath again..."All I ever did was love you, Kim" he whispered brokenly.

"And it was fine when you rejected me, and told me you only see me as a friend, because I could live with that, and it would have been fine, I would've had accepted it eventually."

" I would have come up to the conclusion, that I'm JUST your friend, and that's all I ever be. "

I was silent beside, him I was supposed to open my mouth to protest but then he continued...

" It sucks though, all I ever wished was for you to love me in return. "

" Chay, I did, I do. I love you. " I desperately told him. He turned to me sadly. His tears kept pooling down his face

"Yeah? Maybe you did, just a little too late, or a little too tiny, because clearly, you don't love me enough to fight for me. " His voice strained with anger this time, he turned his gaze again on the dark sky.

And then he continued

"It would've had turned differently if you never loved me at all" he says quietly

" If you never kissed me, or missed me... We would have saved our friendship... " His voice cracked again.

" Chay... Please, I love you. " I repeated

" I used to dream of that, to hear you saying you love me in return, but right now... I don't want to be loved by you if this is how you love. Your love creates  scars and open wounds Kim, and it's damaging me, if this is how you love, pleas—" another choked sobs
" please just unlove me."

" But what's more annoying about this situation is... I can't hate you, I don't wish anything bad to happen to you, I cant- I just find it hard to hate you Kim. I still wish you well, and I still wish for you to not feel the pain I've felt. I still wish nothing but best for you "

Another silence stayed with us for a few good minutes. The only sound I can hear is my heart cracking, our sobs in synch. I felt so broken. Chay wiped his tears slowly, and he sat properly.

"I— I don't want to love you anymore, because loving you was never the right choice. I can't keep damaging because of you, I don't— t-think I could handle the pain of loving you."

I closed my eyes this time, I felt so scattered

When I felt Chay stood up, I looked up at him, he was smiling at me faintly, his arms wide open. Welcoming me for an embrace.  I stood up immediately and wrapped my hands on his waist tightly, I rested my head on the crooked of Chay's neck and he did the same as we both sobbed brokenly. Chay's hands move and caress my back in a comforting manner. And then he stated.

"Thank you... For everything. I'll- try to forgive you" he sighed deeply

"And I'll  unlove you now, Kim. Thank you for everything." He said before pulling away.

He is now smiling tears flooded down his cheeks and this time I did not hesitate to wipe his tears.

Chay leaned on my hand lightly, feeling the touch.

"I'm so sorry... I really am—" another broken sob broke from me

"I love you, and I'll love you forever. I'm so sorry. " I begged, but then Chay took a step backwards without a word. He walked away this time, and didn't look back at me. Not even once.

Like a snap of a finger, everything breaks around me, I felt so weak on my knees that I ended up kneeling on the ground. And then it started raining. Leaving me another pang of pain.