Attention What If

Chapter 41

POV: Skylar

What makes someone a bad friend? Am I a bad friend? What if I went into the friendship with the best intentions? What if I never meant to hurt anybody? Does that still make me a bad friend or just a person who makes poor life choices? Is it possible to be both at the same time?

"Just because you feel guilty for your actions doesn't mean you need to blame yourself. I think you're too hard on yourself, cut yourself some slack. You went into the relationship with the best of intentions, but situations can change. Life circumstances change. People come back into our lives or leave our lives again. Your friend Vida... means a lot to you. And while you care about her a lot, and maybe even entertained a relationship with her at one point, when Darleen came back into your life, that was a big change for you. You have to give yourself room to adapt to these new changes, allow yourself time to explore new feelings, or even rekindle old feelings. Going from one relationship to another so quickly wasn't enough time for you to fully grasp your breakup with Jade. You couldn't fully grow from it. Now that you have, you shouldn't feel guilty for having a different outlook. Who you are today is different from who you were when you cheated on Jade. Is even different from who you were yesterday morning. Every day we learn, and we grow from our mistakes. You shouldn't fault yourself for being human." Dr. Parkland explains.

Darleen and I finally started counseling. Together we have three counselors. One is for couples counseling which we both go to. Then Darleen and I both have separate counselors we go to individually to help work through some one-on-one stuff.

My therapist is Dr. Parkland. She's pretty brutal and straightforward, but I don't mind. She actually helps me stop making so many excuses for myself and forces me to face the real issues at hand. She also helps me talk through my issues and look at them from a new perspective. I've only been seeing her for a couple of weeks but already I feel much better.

Lately, I've been feeling pretty guilty for leading Vida on. Even though Vida said we could still be friends she's been pretty distant lately. Dr. Parkland says I should give her some space, and that I shouldn't push it. That when she's ready, she'll come to me. But I just... I don't know. I just feel bad. Which is why I brought it up today.

Vida isn't the only one I've been thinking about. Darleen and I tried to call Kenzie to check on her but she assured us she was okay, and that the card must have been stolen or something because she hasn't used it. I don't believe her. Darleen paid the card back down and we tried to go visit Kenzie but she said she was busy with school and work and all that.

The whole interaction just didn't sit right with me. I keep begging Darleen for us to go check on her and do a surprise visit, but Darleen wants to wait until my hands are healed just in case we have to fight Jean. Which makes me feel guilty for being a big dumb idiot and getting my hands hurt.

"I just feel like a big piece of crap. Like all I do is hurt the people I love or let them down. Like no matter how hard I try, I still manage to fuck it up and cause a big mess. I just want to be a good friend. I don't want people to cry over me, I'm not worth crying over. I just want them to smile and laugh, like old times. Before it got so messed up." I cover my face, hiding my tears and breathing staggered to try and stop myself from full-on sobbing.

"It seems to me that you measure your own worth by how much you can please others. You put so much weight on what other people think about you. Attaching your self-worth to other people is a recipe for disaster Skylar. People are flawed, they will let you down. Not only that but trying to please everyone has to be so tiring, isn't it? I bet you are burned out. I bet you get frustrated with yourself when don't feel like socializing. You put so much weight on your social interactions with others that I'm sure it must feel like a burden to even talk to someone for the first time. Just because you automatically overthink it and think of ways to please them. Am I right?" she asks.