Attention What If

Chapter 9

POV: Skylar

I feel like I'm having a midlife crisis except I'm still freaking young! Like I just realized I have no freaking clue who I am. Like I've always just done what people told me to do. My mom wanted me to do good in school and pursue track so I did. Jade wanted to move to L.A. and buy a house together, so we did. I just do what people tell me to do, no questions asked.

Which brings me back to my problem.

WHO AM I!?

I have no freaking clue.

I only like what people tell me to like. I've never actually done something because it was what I wanted to do. I never actually bought something because it's what I wanted to buy. I'm not even sure what my favorite color is anymore.

The front door shutting causes me to jolt.

Damn it.

I was trying to get in and out without having to face Jade.

She must have rushed home when she saw me deactivate the alarm from her phone.

I quickly shove more clothes into my bag and make a bolt for the door. She blocks me before I can escape.

"Jade," I sigh.

"So you thought you could just sneak in here while I was at work?"

"I don't want you to stop me."

"Don't go," she embraces me in a hug and holds me in place.

"Damn it Jade," my eyes water.

"Stay!" she demands.

I drop my bags and wrap my arms around her. She cries softly into my chest. Every whimper is a sledgehammer to my resolve. If I could just take her away, go somewhere we could live alone in paradise without a care in the world, I'd do it.

I just want her all to myself.

What is wrong with me?

"I know you love me; I know you do." She says.

"Jade, I can't..."

"No." she holds me tighter.

"You want to know the truth?" I push her back and hold her at shoulder length.

Her green eyes sparkle at me through tears.

"I do love you. I love you so goddamn much that it hurts! It hurts me Jade when you are away. Even for just a few hours. I make myself sick because I worry and think about you constantly. I love you so much that I don't even know who I am! I'm so lost. I love you so much I forget to love myself."

"Skylar..."

"I don't know who I am..." my voice cracks.

She wipes my tears with her thumb and stares at me with a deep pain on her face.

"I can help you," she offers.

"I'm so lost, so confused. If I stay my love will turn to resentment. It's already started. I blame you for all sorts of stupid shit that isn't your fault. I feel so bitter when you blow me off. I thought I was cheating because I was lonely, but now I'm not so sure. I just... I don't know what to do. I need to figure this out. I need to figure out who I am. This isn't your fault, it's mine. I have issues. I can't keep being what you need without destroying myself in the process. I'm sorry."

"Is there anything I can do?" she asks.

"You can let me go."

I see the moment her heart crumbles to dust. I see the light fade from her eyes. I see that life on her face vanish in an instant. I feel my own light die and my own will to live diminish into nothingness.