lacuna

Chapter Four

Fallon's pov

I shouldn't be this eager to go home and get my hand on that blade. The fact that my parents work till 7 made it better. On other occasions I'd go home all sullen and tired, knowing I'll rarely even see my parents for the day. Regardless of their quick goodbye kisses and random 'how are you?' s, I don't think we've actually had any 'family time'. Thanks to my lovely, perfect memory, I don't remember if we were a typical family when I was little. I doubted it. As much as I loved my alone time and privacy, I still craved that attention from my parents. Like a little kid. But I've learned a lot in the past few years and accepting that I don't have a close relationship with my mum or my dad was a part of it.

A quiet, cold air welcomed me as I opened the front door and locked it behind me. I ran up the stairs and into my room, simply closing the door knowing my parents won't even bother. The blade was sitting there, in the drawer near my bedside table, when I opened it. I picked it up and went to the bathroom, making sure the door was locked and the faucet drowned out any sound.

The feel of cold metal against my already sore forearm was sensitive as if all my nerves were focused on that slight press of the blade touching my skin. I wasted no time adding pressure, dragging it down my arm in a drawn-out line. I watched as the skin slit, revealing a white surface, and blood started slowly filling in. I felt the whole world stop. Like it was giving me a little pause from this thing called life. That weight I had on my shoulders – school, family issues, guilt, shame, hate – they all lifted. I'd entered a new world. A world of quiet. A world where there were no standards, no feelings. Just peace and silence. The serenity of mind. That was where I was. I wanted that to last and the only way was this. I didn't hesitate to cut my arm in separate slashes all the way up to my wrist, slowly, feeling the blade neatly separate my skin.

People were addicted to something to help them get away from their life for a moment. Alcohol, smoking, sex, self-harm. You can't really blame those people. Yes, they were on the wrong path but they might be doing all they can to get through their life. I felt them. I cried for them. But then, why did I feel like a monster for being the way I am and doing the things I do? Why did I feel like a freak?

Eli's pov

"Get back here!" the men snarled. I only laughed, throwing my head back. I guessed about seven men were chasing after me.

"Nah, that's no fun. Try to catch me!" I yelled over my shoulder. The road thumped under my feet as I sped up, turning toward a dark alleyway. I could hear the thugs grunting and shuffling their feet as they followed me. A brick wall came into view and I sped up, gathering up the power to jump. Once I'm only a few feet away from it, I hopped sideways to the wall on my right side which was a part of a building. My feet met the familiar crevice on it and I pushed up, smoothly throwing myself over the wall. I landed on the other side, facing the alley that led up to another street. I smirked, knowing I already won. But the footsteps didn't halt. They got closer and closer until a man jumped over it, landing only a few feet away from me.

What the fuck? I sprinted the other way as more started hurdling over the wall.

This wasn't going according to plan.

I'll just have to lose them in the crowd. I neared the street and I could hear more men running after me.

Shit.

Another three men rounded the corner and blocked my way to the road.

Double shit.

************

Two shadows fell over me and I looked up to see Justin giving me the 'what did you do this time' look. Beside him, Asher's brow was furrowed in worry but not surprised. I looked back down, resuming playing with coin in between my fingers with one of my legs bent lazily.

1...

2...

3.

"What did you do this time?". There it was. I debated whether I should tell them the truth. I was too tired. My left eye felt weird, probably swollen from the punch that dickhead landed on me and I was pretty sure my lip was split. The tangy taste of blood surfaced from time to time.

"Nothing, alright? Just...got a little beat up" was all I said.

"A little? Eli, you look like crap" Asher exclaimed. Gee, thanks.

I glanced up. Justin raised an eyebrow. Fuck it.

"Those assholes were harassing an old woman and I did what I had to" I admitted. 

"And that was?" the jet-black-haired boy pushed. I pressed my teeth together, tensing my jaw. 

"Stealing one guy's ugly ass cap and yanking his hair".

There was silence. Then Asher broke into a fit of laughter. I glanced at Justin who had his hand covering his face but his shoulders shook with his own hidden laugh.

"What?" I snapped, annoyed. Justin sat down beside me, leaning against the wall and Asher shoved his hands into his pockets, looking down at me. After being beaten up by those men, I'd just decided to stay in the alleyway. Asher had called and demanded to know where I was and when I declined, he continued to spam me with messages and more calls till I finally sent him my location. They treated me like a literal baby.

Now, Justin sighed. "You've really got to stop getting into these types of fights. One day, there will be too many men and you might even end up dead," he said. His voice was deep and slightly hoarse. A result of his childhood trauma.

I braced myself for the upcoming father talk. But instead, a hand ruffled my hair. "You did well though, helping that lady" he gave me a small smile. It was rare to see him smile and I felt a sense of pride.

Fallon's pov

I stared up at the ceiling, tears soaking the sheets beneath me. I did it again. I stuffed myself up with anything I could find until I threw up. I could still taste the piece of ghetto cake I ate. No matter how many hours I forced myself to starve, I always ended up eating more than I could at the end of the day. I didn't understand why I continued to do it, but seeing other girls around me with their curved bodies and confidence to wear whatever they want, made my heart ache.

I had to drag myself to finish up all of my homework. School came first. Mentally ill or not.

That reminded me of Eli and the tutoring. I'll have to teach him tomorrow.

How?

I didn't even know where to start. Plus, he undoubtedly hates me. As confusing as maths was, it made sense. I didn't know how to explain, that feeling. I just go with the flow and my answer gets a tick. Explaining that to someone requires me to trust myself to teach him all the facts. And I don't. But I needed that extra mark. Desperately. Besides, what could possibly go wrong?

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make sure to drink lots of water and don't forget that you're very very pretty 💕

love,
ri <3