lacuna

Chapter Thirty-Three

Fallon's pov

I doubled over the toilet, throwing up. Bile burned my throat as I retched, my breath being dragged away from me. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I vomited a few more times before slumping against the lid. My stomach twisted and the ache was unbearable.

It was the first nightmare I had in three days. As I got to my feet, feeling weak, I could still feel the way the cold, deformed arms grabbed at me, pulling me and covering my mouth as the room got smaller and smaller. It was an endless void with me standing helplessly, my screams muffled and my mind eating me up as the sounds of me laughing mixed with the laughter of Eli and the others swirled around me. My head had felt like it was going to explode, the memories, the good ones, of the last few weeks played over and over in my mind, speeding up each second.

I had gasped awake, tangled in my own bedsheets and sweat and tears, shivering from head to toe. It was terrifying. Scary. Being happy. Being happy was scary. It didn't feel like I deserved it or have earned it for myself. I was damaged goods. Meant to be thrown away. It was as if I was hanging off the edge of a vehicle, afraid to move too much and fall. And it was a long way down.

I flushed the toilet and turned to the mirror, staring at my body. My fingers wrapped around my wrist; they overlapped.

Didn't they overlap more than that earlier?

Fat.

Last night, after Eli left, my parents, as always, didn't notice the hot oven or the random messy places we didn't clean up. I barely went out of my room as I waited, hearing their faint shuffles and voices as they got ready for bed. Not even caring if I was alive or kidnapped or killed. I sighed, shoving my shirt down, covering my stomach and turning on the faucet, splashing my face with the ice-cold water. I started getting ready for school, pushing the fragments of my nightmare away.

I threw on a beige sweater and a pair of light-coloured pants, not really caring about my hair as long as I had it down, covering the red patches on my neck. Eli's proud work of art. I smiled at the thought but I reminded myself immediately that it wasn't going to last. Nothing lasts. I needed friends. I needed love. But now that I have it, it was as if I was walking on glass, ready to crack any moment and destroy it all.

I didn't grab my keys as I went out of my room, throwing my shoes on and heading through the door. It was chilly outside and I gripped the strap of my bag tighter as I started my walk towards school. My throat still felt raw and my legs kept stumbling from time to time. If I didn't have a coffee in the least, I'd faint. So that was what I did. I stopped at a cafe and bought a caramel latte, hoping it was enough sugar to get me through school.

Why do you need school anyways? You're dead in less than a month.

I swallowed a huge gulp of the coffee, ignoring the voice in my head and hurrying my steps down the road.

As soon as I stepped through the doors to the hallway, moved to my locker and took my books out, an arm slung over my shoulder just as I was finished arranging my bag and I jolted from surprise. I turned to find a blinding smile shoved in front of my face.

"Morning, Campbell" Asher said, filled with energy and...happiness. Which I clearly was not filled with.

But I smiled back nonetheless, walking towards my class whilst he followed along with his arm draped over me, "Good morning, Ash".

"How was last night? Did you have fun?" he gave me one of his teasing grins.

I raised an eyebrow, "Um...you were there-".