HER JOURNAL

December 2022

"You'll become someone the society will tell you to be.. whether you like it or not"

You know that feeling when you can't be yourself?
Or you simply can't distinguish the difference between wanting to be yourself and seeking for validation from others
Or you're just paranoid and you don't know if you're fine or not
You're not fine
No
I'm not fine

I sometimes feel that I'm not safe around people
Am I overthinking too much?
Am I being paranoid?
I'm anxious
I don't like this feeling

Sometimes I would think it's really better if I'm off alone
In a room
No people
Just me and my thoughts
How about that?

I don't want to feel scared all the time
I want to be alone
But I can't
I want to be with someone's company
It's so hard to explain
But I'm scared

The way their eyes scan my soul from head to toe
It brings shivers deep within me
I want to hide
Get myself off the crowd

I want to get all covered with a thick cloth
Nobody will see my face
Nobody will see my body
I don't know
I'm confused
What's wrong with me?

When all you wanted is to be seen
But when you finally got the spotlight you're hands went shaking
I guess I can't — it's overwhelming

I need to get out of this hell
Theirs no place as heaven on earth
The promise land is far from here
The promise land is far away from here
I'm scared

What should I do?
Everything's exhausting
I don't want to blame the universe
Nor the people

This is the first time that I had felt this
I didn't know that going out wearing sleeveless overalls would be this terrifying
Those inappropriate stares and glance
It's sickening
Their words and gestures are damn frightening

I'm thinking if I'm just overacting
Maybe I am just the problem
But damn I hate the feeling
I'm scared like hell this ain't gonna happen again
I'll never wear this type of clothing
I'm sweating cold and I'm shaking
Trust me, I swear this time I'm not exaggerating

Rain