HER JOURNAL

FEBRUARY 09, 2024

I thought sleep can fix it. Been breaking down the afternoon. Been overthinking the whole night. And when the morning comes I woke up. It doesn't feel heavy. Yet, it doesn't feel right. Someone asked, "Are you okay?" I said, "I'm fine," even though I'm not.

It's so hard to be open about it. When you can't say that yesterday's a war between you and yourself. You don't want them to see you as dramatic.

And I asked myself, "Is something wrong with me?" I could cry and laugh over silly things. I get hurt so easily, I thought I'm done carving myself to not feel anything. Trust me, I'm also tired of me being a crybaby.

I would like to think that it's just the chemical imbalance in my brain that makes me act insanely. But my heart being so fragile - I think I know where it's leading me. Myself - my hardest enemy.

Why can't I be nice towards me? Like how I wish others to have a good day but I can't even care of how my day will turn out to be. Why can't I be patient of myself when I can have great tolerance for others? Why can't I do the things that'll make me happy but I can sacrifice for the sake of other's happiness? Why can't I tell myself that I'm worthy when I can even tell a girl, "You're a Queen, I adore your beauty." Why can't I love myself the way I love others?

Some might say perhaps it's quite a hypocrisy. But that's the most easy thing to do. To love others and dislike yourself. To care for them and give the credits that they deserve. To treat them well, to love them enough, to make them smile and laugh.

It's not hypocrisy. It's the underrated longing and melancholy of someone who's too unfortunate to receive the so called "Benevolence". Why am I nice to you? It's because no one is nice to me. Why am I making you happy? Because I've been sad all my life and I know how it feels. I don't want you to suffer from the same melancholy. Why am I treating you like this? Because I wanted this kind of treatment but no one dares to give me. Why am I making you smile? Because that way I can somehow bring joy to my heart. When I make you smile that makes me happy.

Not every single person in this planet have someone by their side to tell them, "Everything will get better" Thus, treating people the way you want to be treated becomes a coping mechanism. I'm nice to you but I'm cruel to me. That means, I want to give you this because I wanted to receive it but no one offered it to me. I'm nice to you but I'm cruel to me, means I don't want you to feel sad because I'm familiar with that feeling and I don't want you to suffer from it entirely.

But my dearest,
I'll be waiting for the time that you'll learn to love yourself the way you love others. You can't give a hundred percent if you only have half of it.

Perhaps, ourselves can be our hardest enemy. But why don't we find peace from within. Take courage to tame our souls. We need to realize that ourselves can be our strongest accomplice. It's not a war between you and yourself. Nor a war between you and me. It's us against the hurtful yet fascinating reality.

Rain