HER JOURNAL

MAY 27, 2024

I don't really mind dying - when I feel like my life is already falling apart, that's when I feel so brave that even death can't shake me.

I'm fearless, I ain't scared of the dark, I can't even remember that I have arachnophobia - everytime my soul would shatter into pieces and I've got nowhere to go but dwell in the haunted corners of my mind. I forget about all the long list of goals and "maybes" every time I'm breaking down. Even the mind twisting "what if's" would leave me unknown to its existence. When I'm downcast, I am empty but it feels so heavy.

'Coz suffering is temporary they said, yet, the pain this suffering owes me feels like a lifetime imprisonment.

And I know life's never perfect but why do I complain about the shits that I go through? I know I'm human and mistakes are inevitable but why do I punish myself by calling "stupid" and "worthless?" I know I needed this pain to grow but why do I cry and beg to let it pass? I know I can do more but I didn't. I know everything will get better but why am I wishing to die sooner?

I know - but knowing is not enough. Not because my mind is set for war, doesn't mean my finger is ready to pull the trigger.

My awareness of positivity is more than a hundred percent. But not because you told me, "Don't be sad," I'll definitely smile like nothing's bothering me. I know how to be optimistic but when shit hits so hard and my heart cannot hold everything together, it'll just burst like a water balloon. Thus, tears will drown me as I breakdown on the cold pavement. And I'll be colder than the breeze at night. Numbness will occupy my whole system. I won't feel anything - emptiness will swallow me alive.

There are times that I fancy the fact that I'm unshaken and I'm not scared of every challenge that I'm facing. Blank stares, resting bitch face, and serious dark aura - that's my go to look when I'm down bad or like in any second I'm just waiting for a car to hit me while I cross the road. For real, problems and pain makes me fearless in a bad way.

And I'm sure I didn't wish to become a witch but a mystical fairy full of colors and life. I didn't know that smiling and laughing is actually better than frowning all the time. But being happy feels like removing the defenses that I've built for years now. It's risky - 'coz today I'll laugh and tomorrow I'm sobbing like I can't stop - how?

We all wanted to be brave and fearless. But sometimes we misunderstood it with being numb and unbothered. Being impulsive, pushing yourself from the top of the building 'coz you thought you could fly. And when you get hurt and bruises covered your body, you blame yourself for being weak - but thank God you didn't die.

I don't want to be brave if it means I'll always wish to die. I don't want to be fearless if it means I'll be mean to others as defense 'coz I'm scared to get hurt by them.

I hope that we can be brave like the sun would set and let the moon take the spotlight. I hope we can be fearless and make the universe wonder how we are able to smile despite the challenges and suffering thrown to us. I'm not losing hope - soon, everything will get better.

Rain