HER JOURNAL

FEBRUARY 24, 2024

Mentally exhausted, emotionally drained and physically tired. 

Sometimes I wonder if I already healed from all the pain and traumas. I thought I'm already brave and strong enough knowing that I've been through the same shit. But, no. It still stings — it does.

I thought I'm over with worrying about what people think of me. But why do I have this chaos in my head everytime I hear my name escape their lips. I'm certain that I'm done with giving a damn of their opinions. But why can't I move forward without leaving a trace of their toxic words in my mind. 

My mind would tell me not to get sad. Yet, my heart is aching for justice and it's intensely mad. And I'm lost in my emotions - I wonder what weights heavy; Enraged or the feeling of being unhappy. Perhaps, it's possible to feel both at the same time. I thought I'm secured and unbothered but the truth is I'm still fragile and troubled.

They said, just take a rest. But this kind of "tired" - sleep can't fix. Losing the will to move because everything I do is no good. I'm a mess in my past and they sue me for my crap. Hence, I learned to become better - I learned to be kind and humble. But it turns out that people thinks of me as someone who's letting myself off the hook, an insincere being just trying to look righteous. 

I did wrong, they call me a bad person. I did right, they call me fake. It's so saddening that people don't believe in kindness anymore. To be bad is the trend, so, if you are nice, you're fake because they thought it's impossible. God knows, there's still a lot of good people existing in this world. Hopefully, they meet my precious betrayers. Show them that good people exist. The fact that someone is kind and nice blew their minds. They're not used to it.

It hurts me to the core when someone say I'm insincere even though my intentions are pure. It's easy to let go of words that we thought we're right and will bring praises and a crown. But before spreading the news, make sure it's accurate. You don't want to be judged especially if they haven't been on your own shoe.

I don't want to deal with people who's minds are close and don't even have the ears to listen at other people's plee. My response to their atrocity is patience and avoidance. But they call me weak and fake for running away and not defending my side. Guess I don't understand their language - they bark - I bite.

I'm so tired of this kind of shit. There's a lot of important things to pay attention to. Father God, forgive me.

Therefore, I conclude that there'll be days that I'll heal from all the pain. But healing doesn't promise a sublime tomorrow that won't bring new aches and traumas. It's a process, as long as we live, we'll stumble upon something and we'll fall down. We get wounded, we heal, and the cycle continues.

Rain