HER JOURNAL

August 1, 2024

We learned it the hard way, I won't say that it's okay because this one hurts me. I never thought that you see me as someone who's thoughts are evil that I don't have conscience to laugh at people while I am playing with their feelings.

I look at myself in the mirror and see someone who's fragile and cannot even bear to see others hurting. But in your lens, I am the one who's bullying the victim. I can't even remember that scene.

That's when I realized the theory, each people will look at you and see you differently. But I know to myself that my intentions was never to hurt somebody. If I've been the monster in your dark city, you don't have to punish me. I'll punish myself by leaving, so , you can live your life just the way you used to be.

I do not intend to let go, I tried to fix me because I don't want to lose you. But it wasn't enough, I can't give more, that's all that I've got. I loved all of you, the light and the dark side. The green and the red flags. I do not ask for more, what you can give for me now is enough just don't break my heart by flirting with some wh*re. You didn't, and I'm thankful. You're a good person but it's just not me whom you're looking for.

Perhaps you set your standards so high that I'm not well aware of the requirements. I didn't know that I must do this and that, I didn't know that I'm being bad for I prioritize self isolation over you. Perhaps, I ain't ready for this. I was right that I am not built for loving and having a lover. I thought loving you is enough and not cheating is the goal. But actions speak louder than words, most of them will agree on that, you know? Am I too loud and my words becomes redundant? My bad, that's what I heard. He was right, I was self centered.

But I'm letting you go. Find the lights that are in your eyes' allure. Don't settle for less, find a woman that'll give you more than you asked for.

Rain