There are days that I would really give my all 'coz I'm aiming for something. I want to get those, I want to become that, I want to win this. So, I would risk my treasures for the hope that it'll yield more. Go starve, don't sleep, overthink, and breakdown — I'm almost there, it's fine.
But little did I know, the road is not a straight line. A perilous path full of uncertainties. I gamble against the universe, I risked everything that I've got — thought I'll always win but I didn't. It's excruciating like I sold my soul to the noxious fumes of achievements and success but I still can't get intoxicated.
One day, I was feeling so terrible that I'm so desperate to look for the "ups" 'coz lately all I have was "downs" in life. What did I do? The most foolish, I guess. I went searching for validation from other people because I want to feel worthy despite my failures — c'mon, I did my best. Don't ever do what I did. I'll tell you a secret, if we depend our worth on other people's perspective towards us — we'll feel like garbage the moment they lose interest and talk sh♪t about us.
So, I went inside the deepest parts of my mind and recycled some nostalgic memories. She said, "We need to understand that we can't always win. We can't always be on top and that's okay. We need to learn how to accept failure because that is part of growing up." We can't appreciate the winnings if we didn't weep on our knees after a multiple failure. I just needed to process that thought in my head and I was back on track.
Why regret giving your all? If in the first place it made you feel like you're unstoppable. At that very moment, I felt like I was a soldier fighting for the sake of my refuge and I'll do everything to keep it untouchable. I did my best because I'm scared to fail. I've been scared of failures all my life without realizing that I'm always standing up tall after the countless fall. That's why I'm still here, with hopes that everything will be alright in time.
It's not the people that told me, "You're a star!" during the time that I'm shining. It's the people that saw me when my light was flickering like a defective lightbulb. The people that celebrated my small wins and turned my losses into a memory of motivation to keep going, "I'm proud of you, you did well. I believe in you and losing won't change the way I see you"
What did I do to deserve them? What did I do to be loved by God so deeply? And for those people whom I can only thank when I look up at the sky — "Thank you, you keep my hopes high"
Rain
YOU ARE READING
HER JOURNAL
Non-FictionIt includes real life situations and events. A glimpse of HER thoughts. Contains poems, quotes and prose. A journal of a girl we'll just call Rain. Isn't it interesting to read someone's journal? She say's, "Sometimes, it's better to let a stranger...
