HER JOURNAL

WHO AM I?

"I don't know about you but I do cry so often that I wonder if soon enough I'll run out of tears already"

After a period of time of being asleep, the universe woke up and the clouds unveil the sun. In the 23rd of March, year 2004 a precious gift was born as the dawn breaks over the city of Victorias. It was me, whom the universe given to a couple named Jane and Reynold Laurenzo, my beloved parents.

They named me after a well known singer ****** *********. She has great and powerful vocals and so am I when I cry every 2 am -every single time actually.

"Huusshh Mama's here, stop crying now, dear"

My mother's voice lingered in my senses. She sings me a mellifluous lullaby while I am mewling in her arms.

Sleep, eat, cry- that was babies do. I don't have any idea of the things around me. I can't talk and all I do is cry. My minds innocent as dove and even though I don't feel blue I do cry. But I am a butterfly flying unconsciously in the meadows. Enjoying the beauty of every little thing that is fresh in my eyes.

When I was 5 years old, I started schooling. I went to a kindergarten, I meet alot of kids in there. I remember crying in the middle of the class because I can't find my mother from the window. I cried so hard that I can almost cause a flood. I thought my mother left but I found out that she just went outside the school premises to buy me some snacks.

In grade 3, I was 8 years old. My mother told me that she won't go to school every noon and bring me lunch anymore. She says I can bring it myself, and eat lunch together with my classmates. I took it as a bad news and even though the weather's fine and warm- I felt the cold wind and storm preoccupied my mind. It scared me, I cried.

I can't forget when I am 11 years old. I started to have a crush with my seatmate. He's cute and kind, he gives me butterflies in my stomach. He's always the subject everytime I write on my diary. I thought he's the one, but I end up standing by the window and staring at the raindrops outside. He gave me smiles and tears as well.

Years flew so fast and thirteen year old me in second year highschool did a great job with regards to my studies. I'm in section two, however, my friends are in section five. I'm a sunflower in the garden of exquisite pink wild roses. The loneliest girl in the 4 corners of the classroom whom shy and cannot even make eye contact. I went home that afternoon and have a good cry.

In 2018, puberty hit me so bad. I'm 14 and my acne problem blew all the confidence I have earned the past years. I wanted to hide from everyone- I can't take their burning words that struck me in the chest like it's gonna incinerate me into ashes in any moment. I tried not to cry and waste my tears again. But I failed.

Year 2022, people met the 18 year old me. The pandemic changed people's lives including mine. I've got alot of time overthinking at home which tends to cause me anxiety. And leads to cry out of the blues. While scrolling on the social media a certain post took my attention. It says crying are for the weak. I laugh at the back of my mind like I've seen and read a hilarious joke of all time.

I tried to hold my tears for a week and challenge myself not to cry for a month. Problems are inevitable and the more I keep all the emotions inside me- the more I feel like it's growing and becoming more heavy. Until I realized that I have had enough and I can't keep it any longer. I exploded and burst like a balloon. I regret what I did. What if I kept my emotions and hold my tears from the very start? From the very beginning- from the moment I was born. I'll probably get suffocated by those toxic emotions.

You know what? It feels fine and delicate after letting go of the troubles in my chest. Crying is not for the weak- concealing is.

love,
Rain

(A/N: written back in 2022)