TW: SH, ED, suicide attempt (I have been eating BTW (sadly)
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26 days, since I last ate. Well, I've had chewing gum, a lot of water and plenty of glasses of coffee but aside from that I've had nothing. Why? Because I'm fat, I'm so fucking fat. My arms jiggle, my stomach is so ugly, my hips are so wide my thighs are so fat. I only slipped up once, I ate a chocolate bar but its fine. I'm on track for 3 stone lost already. People always say about how if you starve yourself you won't lose weight but there liars, you do lose weight.
I woke up about 12 pm, as usual. People think I get loads of sleep but I don't. I get like 6-7 hours, just because I get it at an unusual time doesn't mean I get sleep. I got up and at soon as I raised onto my feet I felt that oh shit moment. My jead started spinning, my vision went black and I grabbed onto the closest thing to me which was my bed. I opened my eyes after a few seconds and took some long blinks and then shook my head and walked down to the kitchen. I grabbed a glass of water and then stood against the side and drank it, still half asleep.
Once I'd finished that I went back to my room and went on my phone, and then I stayed on my phone for about an hour. Then I felt the need, in my arm. I opened up my phone case and grabbed my blade, I really need a sharper one. I took of my jumper and then cut, and again, and again, and as many times as I wanted. I was so tired of everything. Last night I snook into the ministry hospital bay and stole some tablets, they weren't prescribed to anyone so they weren't important and it should be enough to kill me.
I sat there watching the blood trickle out of the cuts. Then there was a knock on the door, I didn't have time to clean it with a tissue like normal so I shoved my jumper on and then Rain walked in. "Swiss wanted you to know that foods ready and he'll be very sad if you don't eat." He says and then you nod. You get up and you can smell the blood on your hoodie and you know they will too, game over. I walk into the kitchen and sit down and look around nervously, Sodo notices first, "What's that smell?" He asks and stares at me. "I dunno what is it?" I ask and sound sarcastic, "Blood, why can I smell blood on you take your jumper off." He says and everyone is staring at me, "No." I say and then he scowls, "Show me your arm." He repeats and I sigh, my secrets out anyway. I lift it over my head and drop it into my lap and I hear gasps. "There, ya happy?" I ask and then get emotional and run back to my room. Nows the time. I grab the tablets and shove them into a bag and then grab my pre wrote notes and put them on my desk. Then I walk out of my room and surprisingly no one had followed me.
I walked to the ministry garden doors and then legged it out of then and through the open area and into the woods. I went to my spot, a spot no one knew about. I sat down and then grabbed the monster I had packed, why not treat myself. I popped put all of the tablets into my hand, there were 30 of them (I swear if 30 isn't going to work!!) I pop them into my mouth and chug down the monster as well as the tablets. Then I lay back against a tree and close my eyes and let my body relax. Then I fall asleep.
When I wake up next it's dark, I feel like absolute shit, I curse and then stand up and grab my bag, my ballance barely there. I stumble back to the ministry, not really knowing where I'm going and then I see an opening. I walk towards it and then I can see the building once the trees are behind me. I slowly walk over barely being able to stand, the light from the windows is bright. I walk inside and then end up infront of.. Sodo's room? I knock on the door and then collapse and pass out again.
When I wake up I know I'm in the ministry hospital. I remember shouts but i was too weak to open my eyes. I open my eyes and see Sodo sat next to my bed, asleep. He had clearly been crying a lot, probably hadn't eaten either. "Sodo?" I ask and he shakes awake and then smiles and jumps up and hugs me, "I'm sorry." We say at the same time, "Don't you be sorry." I say to him. "Your okay." He states, I still feel like shit but I guess I can go back to hiding it until I attempt again. I lay down again and then the doctor interviews start. I am out on suicide watch, to he in sight of someone at all times for 2 weeks. Sodo picks him obviously and then it starts. You slowly get better and shit and once again I can't finish an angst coz I'm too tired, goodnight x
