OK ik I said less angst on this story but I an kinda going through it again rn and I want to write angst, and I will not say what's my part of this chapter and what isn't
TW: eating disorder, throwing up, self-harm, suicide, suicidal ideation/thoughts, passing out
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Your fingers hit the back of your throat and the vomit follows right after. It's not nice, nobody likes throwing up, but you need to, you need to lose weight. You eat but you don't keep it down. You have to be skinny so people will like you. You shove your fingers back down your throat but this time you just heave, nothing comes out. You do it again and once again nothing comes out so you stand up and flush the toilet, then wash the sick of your hands. Your hands are red, well your fingers. You've already lost 2 stone, now your down to 7 stone. Your almost skinny enough to stop now.
You wipe your mouth and then brush your teeth to get rid of the smell. Once you've don't that you put some gum in and start chewing it. "Y/n?" Papa says and he opens your door, you had just started laying in your bed. "Yes Papa?" You ask and smile. "Do you want to join the ghouls and I at practice? Sodo mentioned you wanted to learn how to play the guitar." He says and you smile and nod then stand up, and for a second everything goes black. That started a couple days ago but it goes away after a couple minutes, but it's bearable, so is the dizziness and the nausea and then weakness, but that's what it takes to be pretty, so it's worth it in the end. You quickly stabilise yourself and then walk towards Papa, his face being hazy and your vision off. You both walk down to the practise room together and then you sit down, close to the back and watch them play.
After an hour they have finished for lunch. Sodo and Rain walk over to you with a massive smile and then Sodo wraps his arm around your shoulder and you stand up. "Let's go eat lunch." He says but his voice is distant, the black vision not going away. "I don't- I don't.. feel good." You say, your voice getting lighter through each word. Then you drop to the floor, Sodo very quickly catches you and lays you down on your side. "Someone get a nurse." Rain shouts as Swiss puts a pillow under your head.
Maybe 30 seconds later your wake up. You look around and then lift your head up confused, "Whar happened?" You ask in a daze, "You passed out." Sodo says and you lay your head back down and then close your eyes, feeling very tired. "Stay awake now." Papa says and you mumble and then almost fall asleep. Swiss sits you up so the sun is in your eyes and you quickly open them and cover your eyes. "Stay awake love." He says and then the nurse comes in behind Mountain. "Have you been drinking? Eating?" He asks you once he's done some simple tests. "Yep, and yep." You say and then stand up. "Well just make sure you keep drinking." He says and then leaves a few minutes later and Cumulus walks in with some water. You sit on your chair and then drink the water and then hug Sodo and everyone else. "I'm tired, I think im going to sleep." You say, hoping to get out of eating. "Not before you eat young lady, doctors orders." Cumulus says and then you stand back up and luckily the black vision doesn't come back. You walk to the kitchen and then are handed a sandwich. "Eat, now, its your favourite." Mountain says and you grab the plate an try go back to your room but Rain take along with you.
You talk with him like everything's fine and then you both sit down in your bed and talk for a while, while you eat very slowly. Once your done you put your plate aside and then keep talking to Rain for a couple minutes. "Hey is it okay if I shower? You can stay in here I won't be too long, its been really hot today." That's true to an extent, you can never keep in body heat, but it's all worth it in the end... right? He nods and tell you it's fine and you quickly grab some clothes and walk into the bathroom, you turn the shower on, then put your hair in a shower cap and stand in.
You quickly start throwing up making sure it goes straight down the drain. You move quite rapidly, not wanting to take too long and it hurts more than usual, then you see blood also washing down the drain. Your concerned but that doesn't mean it's not worth it, everything is worth it. You quickly wash and then swirl your mouth out with the water then get out. You quickly get changed and then brush your teeth and start chewing some gum. You then go back into your room and see Rain just on his phone. You sit down next to him and then your shorts ride up slightly, exposing your legs. You quickly pull them down and then hear a gasp, "Who did that to you?" Rain asks, his vice full of concern. "No one, just an old cat she was really aggressive." You say and he takes a deep breath and then nods.
He soon goes back to his room leaving you all alone. You wait a few seconds to make sure he is gone and then get out your new blades. You had bought them online a few days ago and they were much sharper than your old ones. You took it out of the packaging and then take your jumper off and look down at your arms. You always swore you'd never cut your right arm, but now maybe you should break that. You always said it would only happen before an attempt, you have some tablets next to your bed. You got them a few weeks ago and you need to take them, it's too much. So you take the blade down to your right arm and cut, you do it a few times not really caring aboit how deep, you'll be dead soon anyways.
Then you grab the tablets and take them all, in 3 mouth fulls you swallow 30 tablets and then lay back and close your eyes to fall asleep, already tired as it's about 3 am. Little do you know Rain knew a cat couldn't do something that looks like that. He debated it for a few minutes and then he went and approached Sodo and Papa about it and they all decided to go to your room to ask you about it. When they got in they saw you sleeping with the tablet packets in your lap and they quickly rushed you down to medical. Then you get better.
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Yk maybe one day I'll finish an angst properly, also I wrote this like a month ago and I don't really remember what happens so enjoy 🙂
