I think my momma is fucking up. Or at least she's about to and it's really bothering me. I'm trying not to believe it, but it's hard not to. She's showing the signs. Pushing me away and being....weird. I don't know.
And I caught a glimpse of something on her dresser. It could've been anything but what else would I expect when I see a white powder? Especially around an ex crack addict? And who's to say that she ever stopped. Because yea she got sober and clear form the drugs. But....the beginning is always smooth before she starts to spiral out.
I'm kind of giving up on fher. I've called a couple times but she hasn't answered. And the first thing she always does is sell her phone. That's the first thing that'll get her some good money. Then it's gonna be her new clothes and shoes. That's why Bey told me not to buy extra stuff that'll cost a good amount.
I don't wanna tell Bey about it because then i'll feel like a dummy. Once again I fell for my mothers tricks. A couple tears and a hospital. It's hard. Honestly.
Feeling like your mom is gonna change for the better of her family. Only to see that she doesn't give a damn for real. Just as long as she can get it for the moment, she's fine. A couple minutes of family time is enough for her. She doesn't think about her families feelings.
I've spilled everything to her, if it doesn't make her wanna do better then there's nothing that will. She's had enough reality checks. It's only so much I can do. And it hurts that I have to realize that because this is my mom. Who wants to feel that way about their mother?
Especially when the only thing I want in life is for her to change.
It's heartbreaking. I'm the only one that even cares enough to keep trying with her. I want my momma. The oldest don't care as much as I do because they've had their share. I was born with her like this but they experienced her sober and caring. Her going to work and being happy with my dad.
I've never got that. I want that.
And Essence doesn't really put an effort into it because I basically raised her. She had someone to carry her and lead the way for her. I didn't really have that. My siblings that were supposed to do that left. And I had to learn to do stuff on my own while learning how to take care of a kid six years younger than me while I was still young.
My life has always been a mess. That's why I always have that vulnerable feeling and I need to stop. Because it always put me in bad situations. Like with Nas.
I fell for the charm and that's what fucked me up. I'm just too vulnerable at times. And I can't just always put it on my momma, but I never had that older figure to teach me to have that strength. It's hard sometimes. All the time.
My dad was there when he could be and it was always him just doing what was needed in the moment. After that, he's gone and it's back to me doing for myself.
Momma did what she could while sober but that wasn't really much. We stayed fed. It's like she knew she would be getting high so she would cook big meals for us to have for a little minute. That's about it. My dad did everything else like provide clothes and keep a roof over our heads.
Until Momma sold the house which is why I absolutely had to take Essence. I told Nia and Dj that it was because she wanted to come. But no, Momma was selling that house and I had to. Not that it was a problem, I would've most likely done it on my own anyways.
But I say all this to prove that I have my reasons for everything just like everyone else.
It's never for no reason.
"Onika can you tell me what's going on please?" Beyoncé came in the room again while I just laid there. I haven't been out the room since yesterday. Lynn has been in here but she has school, so she eventually had to leave. It was hard because she didn't wanna go.
