I don't know what i'm gonna do.
After yesterday I just had to take a pregnancy test. She really had me thinking because no way I was that sensitive. Like to the point where I was trembling and went to sleep. That's insane. I'm supposed to be doing that to her. Making her tremble.
But here I am, sitting on the toilet with this test. I'm really mad as hell, fuming. How could I even let this happen? Too damn dickmatized. We literally just had a baby, in which I almost died giving birth to. This can't be happening so so soon.
My heart. Anxiety to the roof. Can't breathe.
I couldn't even cry yet, but I know it's gonna hit. I've been holding my breath, yet to release it. And I know i'm holding my breath because this cry has not shot out yet.
Inhale.
Exhale.
At some point my head got dizzy and I had to let the breath go. Of course I started crying, like sobbing so bad. It felt like my heart was caving in...This can't be happening. No way i'm pregnant.
"Fuuuccckkk. No no no!" I threw the test and wiped my face harshly. I'm not doing this shit again. There's no way I can. If I do, I just might die. I don't wanna fucking die! At least not at this moment. Give me about a week and i'll probably be feeling that way.
My heart heaved quickly. I couldn't even see myself in the mirror from the blur of tears. It feels like i'm about to pass out right now. I feel it all too well.
And just as it was happening the bathroom door opened.
"Baby!"
I opened my eyes feeling something cold on my face. It scared me but when I jumped and saw Beyoncé, I was calm. She pressed the cold towel on my forehead, rubbing softly.
"Calm down mama."
"I passed out." I pouted, slumping into her with a frown. Panicking until I pass out is definitely something I absolutely hate. It means I couldn't control myself at all.
"It's okay."
"It's not okay." I was about to cry again.
Beyoncé kissed my forehead, moving the rag. I groaned and let myself lay limp on her. I'm upset in so many ways. Upset about this baby. Upset because I put myself in the position to be upset about a baby...
"Be easy. Don't move too fast."
"I'm fine." I got off of her. My body feels weak still but I have to get moving for it feel normal again. I'm honestly surprised she didn't call any hospital on me.
"What threw you into a panic attack like that?"
"Nothing."
That means she hasn't seen that test yet. I moved quick to the restroom and looked for it. It was behind the toilet. I'm not prepared to tell her right now. At least until i'm okay with what i'm gonna do.
I stuck the test in the trash then grabbed the whole bag to take out. She'll get mad about it but oh well. I'm just taking the trash out.
"You just passed out, what are you doing?"
"Taking the trash down."
"Give it here." She snatched it from my hand and looked at me. I've never taken the trash out with her around so.... "Go rest. Quit trynna do extra stuff Onika. You just passed out and already with some bullshit. Don't make me mad girl."
While she took the trash down I went to the bed. My heart was starting to beat quickly, I closed my eyes to calm myself. I'm trying my best to be normal about this but i'm really really scared. Like so scared.
