"I love you" you say that to me every day you also wish me good morning but I do first because I'm an early bird in a relationship. It seems like me and you constantly fit together like puzzles, or connecting like chargers.
I know that it's weird for me to say this, but even after you left me, I still couldn't find it in my heart to hate you. I loved you since you the day you left me
Your voice constantly echoes in my head, saying sweet nothings yet it makes me feel insane, knowing that you'll never say those things to me again you used to tell me how much you loved my brown eyes, or how you loved the way my hip scraped, and because of the fact that my hip dips made my frame looks so much wider yet so much thinner at the same time
You know the night you left? I heard your voice in my head say "I'll never leave you I promise I pinky swear" I thought you were different you thought you were different you promised me it would be different. You promised me that you'd never leave yet. You left me that night crying alone on my bed in my dark room you still remember the outlay of my room to lambs on either side of my bed my bed sitting in the middle, my window facing directly in front of my bed. the window has no curtains , my pervert neighbors see me and undress myself every morning and night yet you feel jealous when I tell you that
That night, my heart felt like glass being thrown on the floor and broken into 1 million pieces. I tried to gather as much as the pieces I saw there was still tiny pieces missing there were holes in my heart where things should be. I cried so much that night I'm pretty sure my heart is only veins now it's not one whole lump of flesh. It is now veins that used to run through my hands but now they run through my chest And entangle themselves around my ribs yet I don't complain about this because I love the feeling of my heart being tugged
I feel my ribs crack as I cry too much on my bed that night my sheets were soaked my hands were covering my face. I felt pathetic for crying over you. I felt horrible for letting you break my heart. "I thought you were different." I repeated to myself "I thought you were different you promised me forever you told me you weren't going to hurt me." "You lied to me!" It was hard for me to trust you after that day. I saw you in lunch that day after you sat with a group of girls instead of sitting with me, I was alone I sat with the one girl you told me, you hated I didn't have anyone else to talk to she was the only person who actually talk to me I didn't tolerate her I just didn't wanna be alone. I hated her so much yet she made the silence be wanted more. I hated her voice. It was too squeaky. Her smile was too ugly. Her eyes reminded me of trash everything about her, made me want to throw up and rip out my eyes and make sure my lungs got flooded with water so that I could drown myself. I looked at you when I talk to her, I sat on the other side of the table facing directly where are you sat so then I could look at you without her, realizing I talk to her about everything and anything just not about us and not about anything that I didn't want her to know about specifically like personal stuff and the fact that I hate myself and anything about me she didn't know anything about me. All she knew is that I was kind and sweet nice you knew more about me than anybody else you knew details that I didn't want anyone else knowing
Your face when you saw me, sit with her, dropped, as if you heard the most unbelievable news in your life. I almost wanted to laugh at your face given the fact that you told me that you were never going to catch me talking to her yet you broke up with me that night, and I was in pain so I didn't have anybody to talk to. I talk to her I talk to all of my guy friends, as well that you were so jealous of I could almost feel your heart beating across the lunchroom as you saw me talk to her I hear your heartbeat speed up your eyes narrowed your face, looked angered. I felt like you were going to walk up to my lunch table and slap the shit out of her and take me away yet I wish you did that day.
I started writing a diary. It was all about you and how you hurt me and how much I loved you and how much you loved me yet you never showed it you called me three days after we broke up out of nowhere I heard your voice cracking and trembling and crying. I was confused. I was numb to the pain already. I couldn't cry. I had no more tears left to cry even though I drink water every day I couldn't cry anymore. It was pitiful that I couldn't even shed a tear for you I love you so much that I couldn't even bare to cry anymore
I felt the same, feeling the organs in my stomach started to twist. My ribs started to crack the veins that which were my heart entangled in my ribs again pulling on them and tugging it hurt, but it felt so good. The pain felt comforting. It reminded me of the day you left me , "at least I have a little bit of you, right?" I repeated to myself I questioned my reality I questioned what was actually going on. I felt crazy you calling me that night was the worst thing that could ever happen. I wanted you to ignore me. I wanted you to hate me. I wanted you to leave because I'm crazy. I'm too hard to love I'm toxic. I know that, I shouldn't have been your first love..
I felt my tears stream down my face as I quietly sobbed while you were on the phone with me, crying hysterically, telling me that you were sorry and telling me that breaking up with me was a mistake, and that you thought it was for the best but you lied to yourself, saying that the lie was horrible Your sobs made me want to cry hearing you cry made me wanna throw up I felt sick to my stomach. I never wanted to hear you cry this hard I have never heard you cry this hard in my life. I could tell that your breathing was off...
You were saying words of utter sorrow Your voice felt broken. It was like I was listening to a broken voice box. I felt bad that I made you this way but there's nothing I can do about it. "I'm so sorry" that's all I could say to you my voice was too broken to say anything else. I didn't know what to do. I was in shock. I felt horrible the same pain built up my chest again. My ribs were getting tugged on by my heart strings. My heart strings were breaking because of the fact that I was crying. I said "stop crying I love you is that all that matters?" Everything stopped time did to..
𝓛𝓸𝓿𝓮 𝓶𝓮 𝓪𝓰𝓪𝓲𝓷
