I sit on my floor and color in my coloring book, using different colors of red and pinks and shades of blue. I feel like a child even though I'm almost 22. It's very embarrassing to say but it's the only way I can cope with losing anyone these days.
I can't bare the pain to lose another person so I sit and watch people around me and try not to get attached. I don't want any strings attached at all to be honest it was hard enough to even get to where I am right now I don't think I would've made it if I got too attached to another person I constantly have these fears of someone leaving me, but that's just me. I just think too much about things that really shouldn't be thought of..
I pick up the yellow marker and start coloring in a star. I think how I've gotten so very far I color in all the stars talking about my achievements I don't really have many maybe three or four that's all I'm not trying to brag and I'm not trying to bother, but why can I not be my mom is one successful daughter I continue to falter as I color in the stars the night looks so bright with all of the colors I have chosen Deep, colored blues on light blues make a good match, but why can't I really handle that? Why can't I handle blending all these colors? I don't seem to realize why I need them but I know I need to color.
My life depends on coloring that's how I've lived for years I have constantly looked at coloring books as fresh new beginners I need my life fixed I know I am the writer of this story that I can somehow fix. I just don't know how to rewrite my beginning, and how to end my only ending, I seem to end up in the same spot every time I rewrite my beginning see what I could change and somehow I still end up the same intro in my Outros different every single time I seem to write how are used to get my way when other times when I would write my ending I would not get anything either way I sacrificed my whole life to get where I am right now. It sucks because I look at the beginning of my new start now it's so horrible. I don't wanna look at the actual beginning of what I've started. I kind of try to forget end what I have parted.
I smile as I turn the page another fresh page no coloring at all just black-and-white the way it starts. I smile as I continue to color I realize that I color outside the lines a lot on accident I apologize to the book in advance and I continue coloring I wonder if it'll ever forgive me. I wonder if a lot of people will ever forgive me. I overthink about everything I Need to stop thinking I wonder if I didn't have a brain or thoughts to even wonder where do people ever seek to find love for each other? I just wonder if there is a world where I end up with the people I want to or if I'm just gonna be delusional for my rest of my life I don't really care I'd rather be single than taken by a person who doesn't even know my existence exists unless they are bored people get busy and that is OK. I just don't think that is for me. I need someone's attention or I don't think they love me, it's toxic that I think nobody loves me. If I don't get attention it's just how I was raised. I hate not having people around me some days I just feel dazed peoples attention feels to bother some to ask for when I really need it the most I hate being alone, but that's all I ever crave most, I hate that part about me. I just wonder if I was different it would be better for me easier for everyone around me I blink slowly as my eyes start to water tears fall on my silent and beautiful colored coloring books I apologize to the wet pages as my tears soak through I try to dry it and let it sit out for a couple hours or so. I wonder if I'll ever stop crying, my eyes will always seek help it is a problem for me. At least I wonder if I will ever change I hope I do because no one deserves to deal with what I've been through.
It's annoying to think about because a lot of people don't think I go through a lot but my emotions depend on people around me. I feel neutral when I'm in a big setting because my mind can't focus on all the emotions that I'm feeling so I just feel neutral I depend on people's feelings in more ways than one if I am around only one person and they are angry or any emotion besides calm or happy, I will feel upset It's hard being a person I wonder if I'll ever get used to it my skin feels heavy and my mind feels out of order and out of place. I try to hit the play button on things I need to erase I just try to hit my deletion when it doesn't feel right it doesn't help me but maybe it'll help me just for one night I tend to forget my pain when it comes to other people I just try to because making it about myself seems evil I wonder if I'll ever change I try to at least I smile and nod as people walk around me circles in circles, I feel dizzy I try to remember peoples names or faces. I can't seem to remember either. I'm kind of destroyed in the memory department that's kind of my fault I guess I don't know how to apologize to people properly so I just constantly apologize. I apologize for my existence my bothersome questions I just don't want to be alone, I just want people to know that I love them and ask if they love me too I ask questions for reassurance I know it sounds like a childish thing to say but people don't think of it that way. I wish people can sit in my shoes and look for my perspective, on life it's just annoying to have to think about that. I'm going to have to explain why I'm in pain when I barely know why I blink slowly as my eyes water I wonder if I'll ever be the perfect daughter if you start constantly go through my head, I never sought out peace I just don't think I'll ever find my peace. School is too exhausting. My room is calm and quiet and complete. I feel nice when I sit in my room alone laying in my bed hoping for someone to hold me father a hopeless, romantic, but I don't wanna be compared to him in anyway shape or form. I love him don't get me wrong, but I don't wanna be like him. I don't wanna end up like him either he scares me with the way he ended
I flip the page again to see a blank, new coloring page no tears no sweat marks no nothing I start coloring like nothing happened this time I paint with greens and blues and Gold feel so calm and quiet and collective. I can't hear a thing I feel like I'm deaf. It's just my house is really quiet I live alone so no one really bothers me that I hear a knock at the door. I forget I have a girlfriend to think about I see her walk into the room with a smile on her face she doesn't say anything to me, but then she disappears That I remember I'm hallucinating I don't really have a girlfriend I'm not really at home. I'm not really here either. I'm not coloring I'm coloring on the floor my bedsheets empty as a doctor or a nurse comes in. She doesn't say much to me and she just lays out medicine for me to take so I don't need anymore. I guess it's my fault for one and a happy memory but that's just how life works.
I am 22. My life is like a story endings that never ends and beginnings that never start. I just kind of started thinking that I'm not at home. I just realize that I'm not at home at all. I am somewhere I don't know where but there is a lot of doctors a lot of nurses, and they seem nice. A nurse talks to me every day me and her have daily conversation. She tells me she's my therapist, but I never had one of those, so I don't know if she actually is I don't know if it's real or fake at this point I don't really want to decide , but you know I want to go outside I want to see the world I want to see stars I want to see flowers and everything I want to be alive and living and breathing I feel my heartbeat as my pulse speeds up I wanna be a person again I want to be an emotional person again I hate the day I shut off my feelings I feel so cut out from the world now
I thought finding peace meant turning off my feelings, so I would be at peace not bothered by anything, but now I regret even turning off my anger. I deserve to be angry. I deserve to be sad. I deserve to cry. I deserve to be disgusted, but I can't find any reason of why all I know is that I deserve it I know I do , I know that you may not think I do but please believe me for this once sit in my shoes for a little while believe me I know I deserve a happy ending. I know I deserve to be angry through all of the stuff that I've been through. I deserve to be angry. I deserve to let go. I deserve to be me. I deserve to be a person I wanna be alive I don't want to be a doll that blinks and cries without having a reason of why I can't even cry anymore. I am so broken. I am emotionless without any reason of why my words melt off of candles as I speak your ears are closed. Your eyes are shut. Your mouth is saying words that I cannot pronounce. You're ignoring me you're telling me words that I do not understand you're saying things that I don't have planned.
I used to think of a simple memory of growing up. I used to think of a painful memories of being a person but now I just kind of wish I never had that thought in the first place because I miss being me I miss being normal. I miss being lovely me. I miss being kind and caring and special. I guess that's just my problem that is my problem. That's what I need to realize everyone is trying to tell me the truth when I don't even care to listen, because I am too scared to even look myself in the eye and say that I am not OK, I hate that about me. Why can't I change questions that cannot be answered will not be answered because only you can search for the answers that you need about yourself. Why are you angry? Why are you sad? Why are you disgusted? Some people are mad at their parents and some people are mad at the world or some people are mad at themselves. I am part of the percentage that is mad at nothing but I'm not at peace either uncomfortable constantly.
I don't know why so don't ask me. I've tried so hard, but yet I can't find the words to explain how I feel. I feel like one of those songs that you can't even understand the lyrics to I feel like a static in TV. I feel something I don't know how to feel I feel mixed. I feel like mix paint when you accidentally mix it during art class when the art teacher specifically told you not to or a history teacher telling facts that you don't understand. I feel like that I feel like a new fact that you've never heard before not even on the Internet I feel like a Math Question that's never been solved before by anybody not even Albert Einstein I feel like a book that's never been read in ELA class I feel like a program that's never been programmed into computers during micro computers I guess that's just me my coding is wrong. My history fact is unreadable, and my book will never be read, because it will never be found because it is hard to look, for. I am unique in the ways that I am born in I have dealt the best cards. I have won the game of being me if that's OK because I'm OK with that.
I finally found peace
𝓬𝓪𝓷𝓿𝓪𝓼
