"I still love you" I say, with tears in my eyes, while my legs shake as I stumble to the floor, I sit on my knees and cry as I pound my hands into the wooden floor, getting splinters in the sides of my palms, my eyes weld with tears as water hits the floor because the fact that I'm crying so much I'm starting to make a puddle where I sit I beg you to stay as you walk towards the door and say "I have to go to work." , "I have to go to a friends house." , "I have to go to my moms." It's a new excuse every time, you come home a day later I am starting to get used to sleeping alone, you don't like that though when I told you, "I'd rather sleep alone" it look like it hurt your feelings.
You told me, "but I can't sleep alone. I've gotten so used to your presence in my bed that I can't sleep alone please sleep with me. I'm sorry for whatever I did but please just sleep next to me just this once?" I look at you with cold eyes and say "well you've been gone too long. You've always had an excuse to be outside of the house and not spending time with me, so what's the point of even sleeping with you anymore? Because of the fact that you're always out and I'm probably gonna get used to that and then I'm gonna feel vulnerable!"
you always knew I hated vulnerability, and you always knew when I felt vulnerable I didn't want to do that thing anymore. You cried, as I looked emotionless and I was done with feelings for the night when you had came home three days after being at your moms, you looked at me again and said "just because I left for three days this is how you fucking treat me. What is wrong with you?!" we got into an argument. Our anger took over and we said things we didn't want to. I said "well if you didn't leave, I would be able to sleep with you, but now I just feel too uncomfortable sleeping next to somebody who I know is going to leave the house again tomorrow!" you responded with "are you fucking kidding me? after all I've done for you...This is how you repay my kindness well shit! you remember I was the only person there and I know your story I know everything about you everything about your pitiful little life!"
I paused I didn't know what to say after you said that I looked away from you. I went to the restroom and I locked myself in there. You sat outside the bathroom door, waiting for me to open it, but that whole entire night I didn't. I fell asleep in the tub without a blanket or pillow I was cold you woke up the next morning in the same spot that you left yourself in next to the bathroom door. It was open you go to the bedroom you find all of my stuff everywhere my clothes were on the bed my stuffed animals were on the floor. My shoes were out of the closet. I had left a note on the kitchen table it wrote;
'I'm sorry for leaving a mess. I was angry and I didn't wanna destroy your things so I destroyed mine instead..I'll clean it up when I get home. I'm sorry I just had to give you space and release my anger. Somehow please don't be mad at me when I get home, love your girlfriend'
You wiped your tired eyes and started to clean up my mess you ripped up my note and threw it in the trash and acted like it never existed, you started to make breakfast and left me a pot of coffee, you sat on the couch and waited for me to come home. I came home 15 minutes later , I went to the bedroom without saying a word I felt horrible that I found the bedroom, clean and tidy and my clothes in the closet and my shoes back where they were and my stuffed animals back on the bed I went and sat on the couch next to you I said, in a quiet and almost pitiful and sorrowful tone "I'm sorry I made you clean up that mess. I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for what I said last night. I didn't mean any of it. I was just angry and said-" you hugged me, cutting me off and said "you said what was on your mind you said what was needed to be heard you don't have to apologize for being honest your honesty is what I needed to hear. I know I haven't been good to you and I know that I haven't been making much time for you and I'm sorry and I know sorry I don't mean jack shit I know but please know that I am I'll try to make it up to you okay Princess?" I nodded slowly as I cried into your shoulder as we hugged later that night you actually didn't say you had to go to your moms or your friends or anywhere. Actually, you got ready for bed you did your skin care with me in the bathroom, you brushed your teeth with me in the bathroom. You also help me put my hair up, so wouldn't be messy in the morning Because I had work the next morning.
You looked at me and said in a pleading sort of tone, "can I please sleep with you tonight? I know you're uncomfortable with people sleeping with you but still please I just want to hold you while I sleep you can leave after I fall asleep I promise just let me sleep let me fall asleep with you in my arms just this one time." I smiled. I don't feel uncomfortable I feel comfort in this moment I've never felt this comfortable before I look at you and say in a cheery sort of tone "of course you can sleep with me today we can cuddle and we can talk before both of us fall asleep together. I'll hold you and even after you fall asleep, I'll fall asleep with you."
You smiled so widely that I am pretty sure that you felt more happy than you have been like the past week I feel at peace in this moment, knowing that me and you are actually done arguing and me and you are done doing a lot of things like being mean and angry with each other, and we're going to hold each other now I don't remember being able to do this. I feel so comfortable I feel so vulnerable in this time I don't want to change I don't feel uncomfortable with feeling vulnerable anymore. Thank you.
𝓪𝓵𝓸𝓷𝓮
